Home for the Hellidays
Students, being
human, are sentient beings, which basically means they are attentive,
responsive, and
While
information processing and attribution errors are not unique to individuals in
treatment for a personal or familial addictive disorder, such individuals do seem
to be particularly vulnerable to misinterpreting certain cues that they tend to
view as harbingers of doom or strife that represent what Albert Ellis, Ph.D.
calls “catastrophizing” [1]
or David Burns, M.D. calls “mind reading or the fortune teller error.” [2]
These cognitive distortions of events or facts tend to set clients up for
expectations of a less than positive if not unbearable emotional
experience. Depending on the severity of
these distortions, treatment gains can be placed in jeopardy. The prevention of
a relapse in treatment for addicted individuals and/or their families may well
hinge on teaching clients to recognize the emotional cues that hold the
potential to trigger a lapse in treatment objectives if not relapse to
pre-treatment levels of functioning[3].
Considering this
human potential to cognitively distort reality, situational cues exist that can
trigger emotional reactions in our clients so palpable as to cause them to
literally panic and “catastrophize” as they are overwhelmed by the flood of
memories triggered by the cue(s) encountered. The pending holiday season is
just such a situation that, for addicted individuals and their families,
represents a time machine that all too often instantly transports them back to
a place/time and the events so vividly remembered that the mere thought of
returning to an addicted home--or being visited by an addicted family member--during this season is enough to provoke anxiety and depression. As if the
intense emotional reactions triggered by such cues were not enough, the
behavioral reaction to these recollections of holidays past can prompt
everything from a frenzied search for plausible justification to avoid
traveling home/inviting relatives to visit to attempts to emulate “Martha
Stewart” in order to ensure the perfect “Hallmark” holiday in the irrational
belief that, “this time it will be different…I will see to that!”
The problem of
catastrophizing over the prospects of returning “home for the hellidays” is
particularly noticeable in late adolescence and early adults, those individuals
who have often fled dysfunctional families, perhaps to college, a marriage, or
to the service, primarily to escape the chaos of their family of origin.
This prospect of
returning home during the holiday season is emotionally distressing and can
prompt all manner of clinical problems for those being seen in such
situations. The likelihood of relapse for clients working on addictive disorders
of their own or problems associated with addictions are obviously escalated as
such intense emotional stress can threaten even the most committed of clients
in early recovery. On the flip side of this coin are the parents that are torn
between a longing to have their son or daughter with them for the holidays and
the dread that the season will somehow be transformed from occasion to share
gifts to something akin to a storyboard for a holiday episode of the Simpson's.
Some people have anxiously awaited the opportunity to share the season with their addicted
loved one(s), believing in true co-dependent style that their time apart will
somehow have enabled the family to have miraculously resolved its previous
problems. Often, students who have been away and return to an addicted family
unit have just been away long enough for the memories of the family’s chaotic
behavior to have been eroded by time. They wonder what will happen when
returning home. Still others are paralyzed by the fear of what awaits them when
they return to this likely chaos. They remember all too vividly drawing that
“1000 mile radius from home” circle on the map and making it the number one
criterion for selecting a college, place to relocate when seeking employment,
or joining the armed forces. In short, these young adults are all, at the
least, anxious about returning home for the holiday season and many, too many,
are petrified about “going home for the helidays.”
While the
picture I paint is not hard to envision and most counselors who have worked in
the addiction field for any time, especially with addicted families, are likely
to relate to the particular problem the holiday season can present to students,
must we resign ourselves to simply helping them “get
- Help students remember: Just as no
family member made the alcohol or other drug dependent individual an
addict and no member can make any other family member drink or use,
neither can anyone keep him/her from drinking or using. This is
arguably the single most frequent irrational belief held by untreated
members of an addicted family. Even though on a cognitive level family
member “know this,” on an emotional level they have failed to “accept
this.” This one point is of paramount importance when helping students
prepare for the hellidays. It is the foundation on which all of the
remaining suggestions are based. In short, if a student cannot accept
her/his limits when interacting with the addicted family member, she or he has all but assured reacting to the family problem rather than
acting on a personal solution.
Case in point: Phyllis was a 22 year old senior in
college who was dreading the holiday season because of the all but certain
reality that her alcoholic father would ruin the Thanksgiving dinner by,
“Making one of his scenes.” As we spoke it became clear that Phyllis would help
her mother all day in the preparation of the meal, cleaning the house before
the company would arrive, and, then number one job, “Make sure your father does
not get drunk before dinner.” Phyllis discussed her growing anxiety knowing
that her father would get intoxicated, make a scene, leaving her to deal with
her mother’s rage over not preventing this. When asked for proof that she could
accomplish what her mother assigned, she quipped, “Are you kidding, keep my
father from drinking”? We discussed not setting herself up for a “traditional”
Thanksgiving by refusing to accept the task of keeping dad sober. Instead, we
discussed how Phyllis could avoid getting caught in the crossfire between mom
and dad.
- Help students remember: The 1st rule
of codependency to be challenged is the need to put the addicted
individual first and in front of all else in one's life. To this
end, discuss with your student the merits of inviting the addicted
family member to celebrate and socialize with the family, but if he/she
refuses, so be it... GO ON AND CELEBRATE YOUR HOLIDAY ANYWAY! We have all encountered individuals who, in
essence, have told us that a good day is when it is a good
day for the addicted person in his or her life, so untold energy is invested in trying to assure that
“today is a good day.”
Case in
point: I worked with a
first-year college student who was very anxious to return home for the
holidays. She came to college in order to escape the chaos of her alcoholic
family, but quickly became concerned about her younger brothers and sisters
living in that environment…who was making sure they were up for school; who was
doing the laundry and cooking for them; who was buffering them from their
fathers alcohol induced rages? This student did not return from the holidays,
choosing instead to remain at home, attend community college, and care for the
family.
- Help students remember: As difficult
as an obnoxious intoxicant may be to deal with, avoid confrontations
when the addicted individual is ‘under the influence.’ While difficult
to do, especially if the inebriate is acting out in the midst of the
festivities, confrontation is to the intoxicated person as kerosene is to
a flame! Remember, "You can’t make friends with a mad dog.”
Case in
point: I once had a
student who would plead with his mother to not drink during the holidays and
every holiday season, mom would “have just a couple to celebrate with the
family,” and eventually become intoxicated and embarrass my client in front of
his friends. This would prompt an angry exchange, born of shame, which would
result in his leaving the house and vowing to, “never let that happen again.” I
asked my client to envision walking down a dark street and encountering a mad
dog. I asked what the chances were that he would approach the dog in order to
stroke it and reason with it in order to assuage his fears. He looked at me as if I was as dumb as a box of rocks and said he would cross the street and stay as
far away from the dog as possible. I then asked why he thought he could reason
with his mother when she was drinking?
- Help students remember: While
there is no excuse for the addicted individual's behavior, it is
understandable. Believe it or not, most addicted individuals do not
intend to do what they do. True, they may intentionally drink or drug, but
they do not necessarily intend to “act out” when they do so. In addiction
counseling 101 we all learned that the working definition for the insanity
of addiction is the belief that “this time it will be different,” Einstein's famous quote. Individuals with addictions drink/drug, get drunk/high and as such, do
intoxicated things. This thought will not lessen our frustration when
around the intoxicant, but it may help prevent being hooked and drawn into
the craziness of addiction;
Case in
point: A student walks
into my office after the holidays and is livid. He unloads about his “hop-head
brother” and how he totally ruined the holidays. Long story short, the holidays
had not been ruined, at least for the rest of the family, it’s just that my
client could not understand that his brother was simply doing what he knew how
to do. I suggested that if he wanted to continue our conversation, he was going
to have to switch to speaking French. He looked at me like I was insane and
said he could not speak French. I suggested I did not care, if he wanted my
attention, he was going to have to speak in the language I wanted to speak in.
He saw my point, smiled, and we talked about how we all know what we learn and
learn what we are taught. His brother could no more not use simply because it
was Christmas than my client could speak French on demand. I ended the
discussion by asking if he could learn French given enough time and support and
he smiled and said, “Probably.”
- Help students remember: Addiction
is an issue of health not one of morality. As the diabetic can no more
tolerate sugar during the holidays than at any other time of the year,
neither can the addicted person tolerate alcohol or pills any better just
because it is Christmas or New Years. While it is true that the holidays
seem to be a time when “more” of everything is somehow associated with
successful celebrating, this increased “presence or temptation” does not
mean that the addicted reveler less susceptible or any better able to
assuage the effects of intoxicating drink or other drugs.
Case in
point: A student was
discussing the likelihood that his grandfather would get drunk when visiting
for Christmas and spoil the holiday, “as usual.” When I asked why he was so
angry about this pending event, he replied, “You’d think he could stay sober
just one day out of the year and not spoil everything for everybody else.” I
simply asked, “What makes you think Christmas would be any different than any
other day”? I got the expected litany of reason, but I reiterated my original
question suggesting that if an addiction is an issue of health as is diabetes,
what is so special about “that” day that could suspend the symptoms of an
illness? Our conversation was longer than this brief exchange, but he was able
to see the illogic in his previous reasoning.
In short,
addicted people use alcohol and other drugs because they cannot not use, try as
they may. To this end, if families of addicted individuals do not expect them
to act differently simply because it is a holiday, then an addict’s using on
the holiday does not come as such a frustration. Again, this does not help family
members ‘like’ the behavior any more, but perhaps it does help them avoid being
drawn into the craziness of an addicted person's intoxicated logic. In this
season of great expectations with media reinforced pictures of the way the
holiday ‘should be,' remember that quote in Luke, Ch. 2:14, in the Christian
Bible, "Peace on earth to men/women of good will." Remember: People
with addictions are people with health problems, as obnoxious as their behavior
may be. While it may appear they could not drink/use for “just one day if they
really wanted to,” addiction does not work that way. As addictions
professionals, we accept this, but do our clients? As a recovering friend once
said to me, "Bad things DO happen to good people."
References
See
Ten
Irrational Ideas (Irrational Idea #6)
[1] See Feeling good:
The new mood therapy by David Burns, M.D., 1999
[1] See Beck, A. T.,
Wright, F. W., Newman, C. F., & Liese, B. (1993). Cognitive therapy of substance
abuse. New York: Guilford.
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