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12 November 2013



 Thanksgiving, Christmas, & College Students:
Home for the Hellidays




Students, being human, are sentient beings, which basically means they are attentive, responsive, and
most of all “thinking” beings. Such characteristics are on the short list of reasons why counseling in general and “talk-therapy” specifically work. Yet on some occasions, for some students, this gift of sentience would appear to exacerbate rather than ease the onset of some truly horrific emotional experiences. Such experiences are not uncommon in the presenting problems of students who are addicted or come from addicted families of origin and for whom cognitive behavior therapy is the counselor’s treatment strategy of choice. Likewise, addressing one’s propensity to “think too much” is all but a regular part of the repertoire of 12-step sponsors who extol the virtues of avoiding, “‘stinkin’ thinkin’” for those new in recovery

While information processing and attribution errors are not unique to individuals in treatment for a personal or familial addictive disorder, such individuals do seem to be particularly vulnerable to misinterpreting certain cues that they tend to view as harbingers of doom or strife that represent what Albert Ellis, Ph.D. calls “catastrophizing” [1] or David Burns, M.D. calls “mind reading or the fortune teller error.” [2] These cognitive distortions of events or facts tend to set clients up for expectations of a less than positive if not unbearable emotional experience. Depending on the severity of these distortions, treatment gains can be placed in jeopardy. The prevention of a relapse in treatment for addicted individuals and/or their families may well hinge on teaching clients to recognize the emotional cues that hold the potential to trigger a lapse in treatment objectives if not relapse to pre-treatment levels of functioning[3].

Considering this human potential to cognitively distort reality, situational cues exist that can trigger emotional reactions in our clients so palpable as to cause them to literally panic and “catastrophize” as they are overwhelmed by the flood of memories triggered by the cue(s) encountered. The pending holiday season is just such a situation that, for addicted individuals and their families, represents a time machine that all too often instantly transports them back to a place/time and the events so vividly remembered that the mere thought of returning to an addicted home--or being visited by an addicted family member--during this season is enough to provoke anxiety and depression. As if the intense emotional reactions triggered by such cues were not enough, the behavioral reaction to these recollections of holidays past can prompt everything from a frenzied search for plausible justification to avoid traveling home/inviting relatives to visit to attempts to emulate “Martha Stewart” in order to ensure the perfect “Hallmark” holiday in the irrational belief that, “this time it will be different…I will see to that!”

The problem of catastrophizing over the prospects of returning “home for the hellidays” is particularly noticeable in late adolescence and early adults, those individuals who have often fled dysfunctional families, perhaps to college, a marriage, or to the service, primarily to escape the chaos of their family of origin.

This prospect of returning home during the holiday season is emotionally distressing and can prompt all manner of clinical problems for those being seen in such situations. The likelihood of relapse for clients working on addictive disorders of their own or problems associated with addictions are obviously escalated as such intense emotional stress can threaten even the most committed of clients in early recovery. On the flip side of this coin are the parents that are torn between a longing to have their son or daughter with them for the holidays and the dread that the season will somehow be transformed from occasion to share gifts to something akin to a storyboard for a holiday episode of the Simpson's.

Some people have anxiously awaited the opportunity to share the season with their addicted loved one(s), believing in true co-dependent style that their time apart will somehow have enabled the family to have miraculously resolved its previous problems. Often, students who have been away and return to an addicted family unit have just been away long enough for the memories of the family’s chaotic behavior to have been eroded by time. They wonder what will happen when returning home. Still others are paralyzed by the fear of what awaits them when they return to this likely chaos. They remember all too vividly drawing that “1000 mile radius from home” circle on the map and making it the number one criterion for selecting a college, place to relocate when seeking employment, or joining the armed forces. In short, these young adults are all, at the least, anxious about returning home for the holiday season and many, too many, are petrified about “going home for the helidays.”

While the picture I paint is not hard to envision and most counselors who have worked in the addiction field for any time, especially with addicted families, are likely to relate to the particular problem the holiday season can present to students, must we resign ourselves to simply helping them “get
through” the pending hellidays or are there steps that can be taken that both lessen their anxiety while at the same time pursuing the identified treatment goals? Can counselor better assist students to ‘accept the things they cannot change and change the things they can’? Here are several proactive steps counselors can suggest their client consider in order to better prepare for surviving the helidays:


  1. Help students remember: Just as no family member made the alcohol or other drug dependent individual an addict and no member can make any other family member drink or use, neither can anyone keep him/her from drinking or using. This is arguably the single most frequent irrational belief held by untreated members of an addicted family. Even though on a cognitive level family member “know this,” on an emotional level they have failed to “accept this.” This one point is of paramount importance when helping students prepare for the hellidays. It is the foundation on which all of the remaining suggestions are based. In short, if a student cannot accept her/his limits when interacting with the addicted family member, she or he has all but assured reacting to the family problem rather than acting on a personal solution.

Case in point: Phyllis was a 22 year old senior in college who was dreading the holiday season because of the all but certain reality that her alcoholic father would ruin the Thanksgiving dinner by, “Making one of his scenes.” As we spoke it became clear that Phyllis would help her mother all day in the preparation of the meal, cleaning the house before the company would arrive, and, then number one job, “Make sure your father does not get drunk before dinner.” Phyllis discussed her growing anxiety knowing that her father would get intoxicated, make a scene, leaving her to deal with her mother’s rage over not preventing this. When asked for proof that she could accomplish what her mother assigned, she quipped, “Are you kidding, keep my father from drinking”? We discussed not setting herself up for a “traditional” Thanksgiving by refusing to accept the task of keeping dad sober. Instead, we discussed how Phyllis could avoid getting caught in the crossfire between mom and dad.


  1. Help students remember: The 1st rule of codependency to be challenged is the need to put the addicted individual first and in front of all else in one's life. To this end, discuss with your student the merits of inviting the addicted family member to celebrate and socialize with the family, but if he/she refuses, so be it... GO ON AND CELEBRATE YOUR HOLIDAY ANYWAY!  We have all encountered individuals who, in essence, have told us that a good day is when it is a good day for the addicted person in his or her life, so untold energy is invested in trying to assure that “today is a good day.”

Case in point: I worked with a first-year college student who was very anxious to return home for the holidays. She came to college in order to escape the chaos of her alcoholic family, but quickly became concerned about her younger brothers and sisters living in that environment…who was making sure they were up for school; who was doing the laundry and cooking for them; who was buffering them from their fathers alcohol induced rages? This student did not return from the holidays, choosing instead to remain at home, attend community college, and care for the family.


  1. Help students remember: As difficult as an obnoxious intoxicant may be to deal with, avoid confrontations when the addicted individual is ‘under the influence.’ While difficult to do, especially if the inebriate is acting out in the midst of the festivities, confrontation is to the intoxicated person as kerosene is to a flame! Remember, "You can’t make friends with a mad dog.”

Case in point: I once had a student who would plead with his mother to not drink during the holidays and every holiday season, mom would “have just a couple to celebrate with the family,” and eventually become intoxicated and embarrass my client in front of his friends. This would prompt an angry exchange, born of shame, which would result in his leaving the house and vowing to, “never let that happen again.” I asked my client to envision walking down a dark street and encountering a mad dog. I asked what the chances were that he would approach the dog in order to stroke it and reason with it in order to assuage his fears. He looked at me as if I was as dumb as a box of rocks and said he would cross the street and stay as far away from the dog as possible. I then asked why he thought he could reason with his mother when she was drinking?


  1. Help students remember: While there is no excuse for the addicted individual's behavior, it is understandable. Believe it or not, most addicted individuals do not intend to do what they do. True, they may intentionally drink or drug, but they do not necessarily intend to “act out” when they do so. In addiction counseling 101 we all learned that the working definition for the insanity of addiction is the belief that “this time it will be different,” Einstein's famous quote. Individuals with addictions drink/drug, get drunk/high and as such, do intoxicated things. This thought will not lessen our frustration when around the intoxicant, but it may help prevent being hooked and drawn into the craziness of addiction;

Case in point: A student walks into my office after the holidays and is livid. He unloads about his “hop-head brother” and how he totally ruined the holidays. Long story short, the holidays had not been ruined, at least for the rest of the family, it’s just that my client could not understand that his brother was simply doing what he knew how to do. I suggested that if he wanted to continue our conversation, he was going to have to switch to speaking French. He looked at me like I was insane and said he could not speak French. I suggested I did not care, if he wanted my attention, he was going to have to speak in the language I wanted to speak in. He saw my point, smiled, and we talked about how we all know what we learn and learn what we are taught. His brother could no more not use simply because it was Christmas than my client could speak French on demand. I ended the discussion by asking if he could learn French given enough time and support and he smiled and said, “Probably.”


  1. Help students remember: Addiction is an issue of health not one of morality. As the diabetic can no more tolerate sugar during the holidays than at any other time of the year, neither can the addicted person tolerate alcohol or pills any better just because it is Christmas or New Years. While it is true that the holidays seem to be a time when “more” of everything is somehow associated with successful celebrating, this increased “presence or temptation” does not mean that the addicted reveler less susceptible or any better able to assuage the effects of intoxicating drink or other drugs.

Case in point: A student was discussing the likelihood that his grandfather would get drunk when visiting for Christmas and spoil the holiday, “as usual.” When I asked why he was so angry about this pending event, he replied, “You’d think he could stay sober just one day out of the year and not spoil everything for everybody else.” I simply asked, “What makes you think Christmas would be any different than any other day”? I got the expected litany of reason, but I reiterated my original question suggesting that if an addiction is an issue of health as is diabetes, what is so special about “that” day that could suspend the symptoms of an illness? Our conversation was longer than this brief exchange, but he was able to see the illogic in his previous reasoning.

In short, addicted people use alcohol and other drugs because they cannot not use, try as they may. To this end, if families of addicted individuals do not expect them to act differently simply because it is a holiday, then an addict’s using on the holiday does not come as such a frustration. Again, this does not help family members ‘like’ the behavior any more, but perhaps it does help them avoid being drawn into the craziness of an addicted person's intoxicated logic. In this season of great expectations with media reinforced pictures of the way the holiday ‘should be,' remember that quote in Luke, Ch. 2:14, in the Christian Bible, "Peace on earth to men/women of good will." Remember: People with addictions are people with health problems, as obnoxious as their behavior may be. While it may appear they could not drink/use for “just one day if they really wanted to,” addiction does not work that way. As addictions professionals, we accept this, but do our clients? As a recovering friend once said to me, "Bad things DO happen to good people."

References


See Ten Irrational Ideas (Irrational Idea #6)  
[1] See Feeling good: The new mood therapy by David Burns, M.D., 1999
[1] See Beck, A. T., Wright, F. W., Newman, C. F., & Liese, B. (1993). Cognitive                        therapy of substance abuse. New York: Guilford.






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