3rd Person Self-Talk and Self-Directed Behavior Change; How to Talk Sense to Yourself

Has a friend or family member ever approached you seeking advice on how best to deal with a personal issue or approach an important personal decision? If you are like most humans, the answer is yes. And when approached, were you able to proffer an opinion or provide the requested advice? Again, the answer is likely yes. This is because most of us are relatively good in such situations because we view ourselves as “detached” from the situation. Because of this detachment, we are more objective and offer reasoned advice.

 

Ethan Kross, a psychologist at the University of Michigan, has published research that finds that when individuals conduct their self-talk in the 3^rd person, that is referring to themselves by 1^st name or as he/she, him/her we can achieve that same degree of psychological detachment that enables us to provide more logical and rational advice to ourselves. Consider this example:

 

Instead of thinking, I can lose the weight needed to look good on the beach this summer, I say to myself, Robert, you can lose the weight needed to look good on the beach this summer.

 

Thinking in the 1^st person is a habit that is difficult to break. Why? Because we have likely been doing it for decades! However, when finding myself thinking in the 1^st person, I can “translate” those thoughts into the 3^rd person easily by simply inserting a 3^rd person pronoun or my first name, a nickname I go by, or my last name if that is how others generally refer to me – think “Gibbs” on NCIS – and create that psychological detachment that brings added clarity, reason, and logic to my thinking.

 

This can be a very helpful aid to accomplishing self-directed behavior change. Engaging in 3^rd-person self-talk about losing weight, quitting smoking, drinking less, or exercising more can help prevent self-doubt from derailing a change plan.

 

Before dismissing this idea by saying you do not want to sound like Dobby the House Elf in Harry Potter, remember we are talking about "self-talk" here...that is $10 psychobabble for "private personal thoughts," the ones no one hears except you :)

 

Robert – remember that willpower is a skill that you develop with practice rather than, I don’t have the willpower necessary to succeed; I’ll never be able to change.

Change is an inside job, Robert; one that you can accomplish because it is more about attitude than effort rather than, Change is just too hard for me; I will never be able to do this.

 

What do you think?

 

To read more about 3^rd-person self-talk as an aid in stress management, ending negative self-talk, or quietening anxiety, CLICK HERE.

 

Dr. Robert

Reflections on a Counseling Relationship

 

Considering the significance of relationships in any interpersonal interaction is not exactly blog-worthy news; the importance of the relationship between a counselor and a client is no exception. Actually, there is quite a substantial literature on the subject, with numerous references to the role that the relationship plays in what is called the "common factors" related to effective psychotherapy. Going as far back as 1936, Saul Rosenzweig posited that there are "common factors" inherent in all psychotherapies. 

 

An interesting review of the "common factors" phenomenon is included in the 1995 article by Miller, Hubble, & Duncan entitled, "No More Bells and Whistles" (Miller, S. , Hubble, M. , & Duncan, B. [1995]. The Family Therapy Networker, 19, 52-63). In this article the authors suggest that the outcome of all therapy is influenced by 4 factors common to all effective psychotherapy: 1) Therapeutic Technique, e.g., CBT, Person-centered, etc. (accounts for 15% of outcome), 2) Expectancy and Placebo, e.g., client beliefs re the effectiveness of counseling, etc. (15%), 3) Therapeutic relationship of which "bedside manner" is a euphemistic way of referring to the practitioner's influence on the relationship (30%), and 4) Client Factors, e.g., access to treatment/means to pay for treatment, supportive family, social contacts, etc. (40%).

 

Although one can argue that practitioners have control over which therapeutic technique will be

employed, clearly, he or she has no control over 55% of the factors that affect therapy outcome - according to Miller, Hibble, & Duncan, "expectations/placebo" (15%) and "client factors" (40%) - meaning that the single biggest factor that affects the outcome of counseling/therapy over which the practitioner has significant if not complete control is the therapeutic relationship (30%). Although this may seem a minor factor (30%) affecting the outcome of services, it is nonetheless almost a full third of the outcome and, when considering that the relationship is a significant part of whether a client engages in services or not, it can definitely impact client expectations about therapy not to mention "client factors" like enhancing support networks and/or client willingness to establish/utilize such.

 

An unrelated but nonetheless tangential issue to the significance of the relationship in the outcome of therapy is the fact that the health care professional--of any type--least likely type of being sued is the practitioner who clients/patients report "liking," the corollary being, the most likely to be sued is the practitioner whom the client/patient does not like or sees as condescending, arrogant, patronizing, aloof, "cold, etc. See EXAMPLE 1, EXAMPLE 2. 

 

When discussing these points with students I would point out that establishing a warm, caring and empathic relationship with a client does not preclude addressing issues a client may not want to hear. As a matter of fact, a strong, positive relationship can enable the delivery of such feedback/information more

likely to be considered. I conducted an activity with my behavioral health counseling students to demonstrate: I would ask students to think of someone they hold in high regard...someone they trusted, respected, and recognized as a "good human being" and tell them this could be anyone living or deceased provided they had had a personal relationship. I would then ask, "Did this person always tell you what you wanted to hear?" - As I paused before my next question, I would see most head gesture negatively. Then I would ask, "did this person ever say or do something that upset you or made you angry? - This time when pausing I would see most students positively nodding their heads. Then, "did this person ever upset you so much that you did not talk to him or her for an hour or a day or a week or longer? Again, positive head nods. I would then ask, "why, then, was the first person that popped into your head when I asked you to think of someone you hold in high regard, trust, respect, and recognize as a good human being someone who did not always tell you what you wanted to hear, sometimes said or did things that upset you, and perhaps even to a point where you did not speak for an hour or day or longer?" I would then answer the question for them..."because this person was always truthful, honest, and treated you with respect, always letting you know that you were important and he or she would never do anything to hurt you purposefully. 

 

As important as a positive relationship with clients may be, it is also important for students to not mistakenly think that this means they must "be friends" with clients. They need to understand that developing a positive relationship is of paramount importance but that it does not equate with only telling clients what they will appreciate hearing.

 

What do you think?

Dr. Robert

____________________

1Thomas, M. L. (2006). The Contributing Factors of Change in a Therapeutic Process. Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal, 28(2), 201–210

Taking the Risk to Change

My 6-year-old grandson called the other evening. “Poppy,” he asked, “...when you were a boy, did they have furniture?” I was somewhat taken aback, in part by the unexpected question and mostly because of having been presented with one of those moments I believe John Lennon referred to when he said during an interview, “Life is what happens while you are busy making plans.” I was mowing the lawn and felt the phone vibrate in my pocket and stopped to answer, certainly not expecting anything quite like this question.

Apparently, my grandson had been talking with his father and had asked him this question. My son-in-law—in part recognizing the humor in the question and knowing that I would appreciate it—and in part recognizing its innocence and simple beauty, suggested that his son call his grandfather and ask him the question directly. Bobby—named after his dad who was named after his dad, making him “the third”--called, dialing the phone by himself and posing his question to his grandfather directly. I assured him that indeed, furniture was invented long before his grandfather had been a boy, but found myself marveling at the significance of this question after we ended our conversation. The more I considered our brief conversation the more I realized that my grandson was beginning to ask questions about what he thinks about the world in which he lives. It then occurred to me how similar this may be to the experience of individuals with whom I have worked in counseling over the past 35+ years.

Like my grandson, individuals in counseling begin to experience change when we they feel safe enough to ask questions about what they believe are the facts in their lives, what they think and believe if you will, and do so without fear of retribution. “Change,” as I once heard said at an AA meeting, “...is an inside job.” But this change only occurs when one is able to see life—the “facts” if you will—from a new perspective. I can then choose to move from where I am to where I now want to be, based on my new perspective. To gain that new perspective, one often must take risks, most notably the move from a place of comfort to one at best unknown and often potentially unsettling. Before one can take that risk two things have to happen. First, I must become aware that what I think may not be all there is to be known on a given topic. Second, I must find a way to explore what there is to be known about the topic in question, a.k.a., "the world," and here in lies the “quest” in asking the the “question.”

My grandson truly believed that his grandfather predated the invention of furniture. This is not such an odd question for a six-year-old to ask...my grandfather was six in 1903 when the Wright Brothers first flew. I could have asked him, “Poppy"--I called my grandfather Poppy too--"Did they have airplanes when you were a boy?” The questions we ask are not as important as feeling safe enough to take the risk of asking them. It is likely that no two individuals see the world through the same set of lenses...we all have our own unique prescription. What is important is feeling safe enough to ask our questions and encouraged to pursue the development of new information on which to base our choices and decisions as regards how to live our lives.

My grandson now knows just a little bit more about his life...at least how his view of that life comes to make sense to him in the context of the “big picture.” But he has taken that tiny step forward because he was encouraged by his dad to, “ask Poppy,” and when he did, he was able to get an answer from Poppy. The funny thing is that while he is likely clueless of how significant that experience was in his development as a person, his grandfather could only marvel at its significance...and how like professional counseling in that it is only when someone feels safe enough to ask the spontaneous question that the opportunity for growth is presented.

When I apply this personal life experience to my work as an educator I wonder how do we who are just a bit further along the road of discovery in life encourage those who follow us to appreciate the journey? How do we who encounter those who believe they “know it all” to explore what they know in order to discover there is more? As my grandfather used to tell me, “Wisdom is the gift received when recognizing the limits of one’s knowledge.”

(NOTE: For a musical treat listen to Dan Foggleburg’s “The Higher I Climb” cut from his High Country Snow CD – see lyrics at the bottom on my web page, http://www.robertchapman.net/home1.htm )