Aging Gracefully: Enjoying Life’s Journey

 

We live in a time that constantly bombards us with messages about how we should look and think. From the portrayal of aging in advertisements to how TV and movies portray us, it becomes difficult to focus on the importance of “life in our years” rather than preoccupied with messages suggesting we count the years in our lives. Lincoln’s advice is evidence of the wisdom that comes with age and is an apt theme for this essay.

 

Have you ever tried to open a long-closed door, perhaps one closed for years? Unused and rusty hinges,

especially those exposed to the weather, can present a challenge – like the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz when left exposed to the weather without oil. Well, the same is true of a closed mind, the mind of someone who believes all that is known is all there is to know and remains faithful to the “same old, same old.”

 

·      But the first step toward aging gracefully is recognizing that there is always more to learn. Learning is the hinge on which graceful aging swings.

·      DEMONSTRATION: LACED FINGER EXERCISE – to demonstrate how difficult it is to change old ideas and consider new ones, lace your fingers and note which is on top of which…right over left, for example. Now, unlace your fingers and re-lace them THE OTHER WAY so that the opposite fingers are on top. How does it feel? Odd? Strange? WRONG! Well, that is how we feel when trying something new…because it is different, it feels wrong,and the tendency is to return to the old, correct way!

 

The “island of the known” is where we live. This island has expanded significantly since we were born. Each time we add a new skill or piece of information to our experiential library, that “island of the known” expands. Some of us, however, mistakenly believe that this island’s expansion has limits and reaches a point beyond which it cannot extend farther. Perhaps limited by time, perhaps by opportunity, but always this belief that further expansion is impossible results from our thinking and the messages we tell ourselves…our “self-talk,” if you will.

 

Those who age gracefully discover two essential things. First, irrespective of age, circumstances, or resources, the opportunity to learn never ends. Second, if the opportunity to learn never ends, the “island of the known” never stops expanding into the “ocean of the unknown.”

 

Wisdom comes from knowledge, but it’s more than just “knowing” facts you learn. Rather, wisdom results

from understanding what you’re taught and knowing that what you learned is not all there is to know. The opportunity to learn something new depends on having an open mind and being ready to learn from all of life’s teachers. As the old Zen koan suggests, “When the pupil is ready, the teacher will appear.” 

 

Wisdom is different than knowledge. Like a fine wine, it matures with age. It is more than just the accumulation of facts and details; it comes from realizing that our “island of the known’s” boundaries are not absolute. Wisdom, in part, provides the ability to use the knowledge we accumulate through life to expand the boundaries on our “islands of the known.”

 

That said, beware of the threat of mindlessness! Mindlessness results from believing that what may be true in one situation explains all situations. When we surrender to absolute thinking, we fail to think before acting, which is the opposite of learning.

 

Life is full of pitfalls, blockades, and distractions, and mindlessness is among the most insidious. 

Do you remember the poem recited at the end of the Moody Blues song, “Knights in White Satin,” on their “Days of Future Past” album?

 

Cold-hearted orb that rules the night 
Removes the colors from our sight 
Red is grey and yellow-white 
But we decide which is right 
And which is an illusion

This is an apt description of mindlessness. As the last verse states, we decide which is right and which is an illusion…what is “mindful living” and what is “mindless living.”

 

Mindless first impressions sabotage learning. They close the door to exploring new things. When our minds are set on one way of viewing things…it’s difficult to see the bigger picture. For example, Describe the woman you see in this illustration. 

 

Is this an old or a young woman? No matter which you see, look carefully and study this graphic because it is, in fact, a picture of both… an old woman smoking a cigarette and a young girl whose jawline and check are the old woman’s nose…and the old woman’s cigarette and smoke is the young woman’s scarf.

We tend to see what we expect to see. What do you view when you look in the mirror…and not just the bathroom mirror but the mirror you carry in your mind?

 

The Risks of Never Questioning Negative Self-Talk

We all engage in “self-talk.” Everyone does this, but some of us engage in negative self-talk, which some call “stinking thinking.” These individuals tell themselves things that are negative, disheartening, and sometimes even abusive…“I’m so stupid!” “I can’t do anything right!” “I’m too old to learn that?” “I’ll just embarrass myself if I try that,” or “This always happens to me!” etc. 

 

The good news is that you have demonstrated a commitment to learning by deciding to read this manuscript. Continued learning represents the fundamental difference between “growing old” and “aging gracefully.” The former views life as an inevitable march toward an endpoint where the closer we get, the less time we tell ourselves we have. The latter views life as an adventure-filled journey to experience one day at a time. 

Fortunately, there is a simple remedy for this type of negative thinking. When I find myself entertaining one of these negative “put-down” self-messages, I ask myself, Where’s the proof? Remember: Nothing always happens. Experienced negative thinkers have a long history of practicing negative thinking and can point to examples of mistakes made or what they believe justifies their negative self-talk. But there is a difference between making mistakes and telling myself I cannot do something new because of errors made in the past. What expert was practiced the first time attempting a new skill? What expert never learned by making mistakes when trying something new? As a matter of fact, experts welcome mistakes because they demonstrate where their “island of the known” needs expanding. When I ask myself, “Where’s the proof,” I often discover that there is none, or if some evidence does seem to exist, it’s not proof that I can’t do something, but the realization I have not practiced doing it enough yet.

 

So, let’s revisit Lincoln’s earlier statement: Is it the years in your life or the life in your years that is of most significant importance? What do you think of Lincoln’s famous statement now? How has your belief become more genuine if you agreed with it when reading it earlier?

If you disagreed with Lincoln before, has your opinion changed at all?

 

If the life in your years matters, consider this thought quote from Echart Tolle, “…realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.”

 

The difference between aging gracefully and growing old is that when one ages gracefully, one views each day as a new stop on life’s journey, whereas when one grows old, each day just brings one closer to its ultimate end. Remember: Yesterday is a memory, tomorrow is a dream, and today is a gift…that’s why it’s called the present.

 

An Awareness Challenge

We all follow routines. We have rituals in our lives. Thank God for our ability to place certain aspects of our lives on autopilot, things like operating a car, navigating to the grocery store, preparing for bed, and a million other routines. However, suppose most of our life is on autopilot; we always order the same thing when we go to a restaurant and buy the same clothes. In that case, we always watch the same TV shows, we always vote for the same political party…we always do so many things that we never explore expanding the shores of our “island of the known” into the “ocean of the unknown” that lies beyond it.

Here’s an exercise designed to challenge “flying on autopilot”: challenge yourself to notice three new things each time you engage in one of your routines. When walking the dog, challenge yourself to notice three things you have never seen before. When you start, this will be easy because you have never done this before, so everything is new. As the days go on, however, it becomes more challenging. You may have to notice things like the cloud formations in the sky, the length of the squirrel’s tail that crosses the road in front of you, the fact that Mrs. Jones’s rose bush only had buds yesterday, and today it has flowers, etc.

 

As a simple experiment designed to break out of autopilot mode, consider what Wayne Dyer, an American Psychologist, and positive thinking guru, once said, “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Try smiling at someone and see what happens. Try waving at the car you pass when driving down the street your home is on. When upset by something someone did, challenge yourself to think of 2 to 3 explanations for their behavior that might reduce your anger and result in an alternative reaction to their behavior. 

 

Embracing the Concept of ‘Graceful Aging’

This exercise requires having “3 stickers” of any type. Colored dots, like those found on a medical chart, work well, but any three stickers you have that are handy will work. Put one of these stickers where you will see it often during the day – the bathroom mirror, your phone, on the fridge. The 2^nd goes somewhere you will visit frequently during the week, perhaps daily – the dash in your car, your front door knob, or on your mailbox. The 3^rd place where you will occasionally encounter it; on a stop sign in your neighborhood, the paper towel dispenser at work, or the restroom at work or church.

 

Choose one of the Following Positive Affirmations or Create Your Own and write it down!

·      “I am grateful for the gift of each new day.” 

·      “I embrace the wisdom that comes with each passing year.” 

·      “I am constantly learning and growing, regardless of my age.” 

·      “I am worthy of love, respect, and happiness.” 

·      “I have learned and grown in many ways as I have entered my golden years.” 

·      “I embrace the gray areas of my life.” 

·      “I am a master at adapting.” 

·      “I love ____ about myself right now.”

 

Each time you see your sticker, say your affirmation out loud (unless you are with someone and too embarrassed to say it out loud, in which case, tell it to yourself). This exercise trains you to deliver positive affirmations about aging. NOTE: This activity works equally well with any positive thinking goal.

 

When combatting mindlessness and changing your perspective on aging, remember that “People do not resist change; they resist being changed” (Peter Senge). But change is hard when I believe I’m obligated or someone tells me I must. We resent others telling us what to do. Psychologists call this reactance…we tend to do the opposite of what others tell us to do or, at the least, do it begrudgingly and with resentment. So, I need to identify why I want to change. What is the payoff? How might I benefit from it? There is a parable in the New Testament about the man who finds a treasure buried in a field and then sells all he owns to get the funds to purchase the land with the treasure – he was willing to give up everything to get something he deemed of greater value.

Sandra Anice Bars wrote in her book of poetry, Life is the Way It Is, “It’s so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to.” Change is hard when I “have to change,” but it becomes easier when change is what I want. So, the challenge for us becomes, why might I want to change? In short, what would benefit me if I looked at aging from a different perspective? What’s the payoff?

To explore this question, challenge yourself to identify at least three things you experienced during the day for which you are grateful. Write these down in a journal or log and date them. NOTE: These can be little things, like your coffee cup as the sun rises or your favorite snack item was on sale at the grocery, or you received an email from an old friend. Doing this in the evening, if not before bed, is best.

 

A subset of this exercise is to identify several things you look forward to each day when getting up in the morning and to log this with the date in your journal. NOTE: This is NOT a list of “to-do” things; this is a list of what you look forward to…look for reasons to be positive, and you will find them. Abraham Lincoln said most men are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

ALSO NOTE: Both activities can be small, almost insignificant things to anyone else. What’s essential is they are important to you.

 

“Mindless, automatic thinking is to use yesterday’s thinking to solve today’s problems. Embracing life’s journey involves addressing today’s demands to avoid tomorrow’s difficulties” (Ellen Langer). For some, acting on this necessitates embracing a new way of thinking. However, another way to interpret the graphic above is to realize that we can either “act on” life or  “react to it.” Reacting to life is to let life determine our path through the day rather than to choose our path by acting on the opportunities presented to us…even the problems, troubles, disappointments, and losses we experience present us with the chance to act on rather than react to them. When I act on life, I am in control. When I react to life, life controls me.

Aging gracefully is about learning to act on life, one day at a time.

 

Remember: If you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you’ve always gotten.

 

So, what have we been talking about? If life is a journey rather than a destination, then each day, each experience, is an opportunity to expand the boundaries of our “island of the known.” No matter where you go, there you are, and that is the exact spot where we need to be to act on life. The Navajo have a saying, “Beauty before me, beauty behind me. Beauty to the left of me, beauty to the right of me. Beauty above me, beauty below me. I’m on the pollen path.” And that “pollen path,” well, consider this quote from Pope Francis: The whole journey of life is a journey of preparation... to see, to feel, to understand the beauty of what lies ahead, of the homeland towards which we walk.

 

If I believe that I never stop learning when I realize that every experience, even the negative experiences, is an opportunity, when I accept that even problems, loss, and disappointment present learning opportunities, then I transition from seeing my birth certificate as a document that confirms how “old I am” to realizing it was my ticket of admission to the journey of life.

 

Trying to make a change in our lives is always challenging. The old me does not want to change. The old me will tell me I am too old to change. The old me will even go so far as to list all the reasons I cannot and should not change. But remember…even though we cannot keep the old stinking thinking from popping into our minds, that 1^st thought that automatically enters when faced with an opportunity to learn or change, we can control what we do with that 1st thought by challenging it with an intentional and positive 2^nd thought.

 

But aging gracefully is about being mindful; when we are mindful, we tend to see things others often miss. Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi once wrote Discovery consists in seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought.It’s all a matter of perspective…

 

Is 2 minutes a long time or a short time?

If you said, “Short time” (and most people do), hold your breath for 2 minutes! That simple instruction likely changes your perspective when considering the length of 2 minutes. Aging gracefully instead of just growing old is nothing more than experiencing a change in perspective.

 

So, as this essay comes to a close, your challenge here is to consider each of the following three questions and write down a 1 to 3-sentence answer for each. NOTE: There are no wrong answers, only your personal opinions, which means they are automatically correct J

•       What are your thoughts on aging?

•       How, if at all, have your thoughts on aging begun to shift?

•       What will you do with this when you get home?

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Mindfulness or Seeing the Big Picture

At a faculty dinner once, a tablemate from the Education Department spoke about a high school student in one of her student-teacher’s classes. This student never spoke in class, never raised his hand in response to the teacher’s questions, and, when asked a direct question, would look down and not respond. Unsure of how to advise this student-teacher to reach this student, she asked the table for recommendations.

 

Others proffered various suggestions, which they then discussed. I eventually asked if the student was Native American, and with a somewhat surprised look, my colleague acknowledged that he was. I then suggested that the situation she described was more likely cultural in nature and had little to do with the student’s mental health or intellectual acumen but rather the result of adherence to traditional Native American values, especially if raised on the reservation, which he was. This underlines the crucial role of cultural sensitivity in understanding and addressing student behavior. 

 

This is, however, not an essay intent on addressing cultural sensitivity. Rather, it focuses on the importance of mindfulness and the problems associated with absolute thinking. In the abovementioned case, the educator’s understanding of the “role of student” was steeped in a Western definition of “engaged student.” This understanding of student involvement included raising hands in response to questions and responding when called on in class. This definition of “student” precluded considering the student in question’s situation as anything other than indicative of a problem that troubled students have and that teachers need to solve. By being mindful of cultural differences and individual student experiences, educators can avoid such absolute thinking and better understand their students. 

 

The teacher’s rigid or “absolute” definition of “functional student,” which included ALL students, resulted in a mindless reaction to this situation rather than viewing it as potentially unique to this individual student. In other words, the teacher’s unconditional understanding of the construct “student” prevented the teacher from considering that the “problem” might be the teacher’s approach to teaching rather than the student’s approach to learning. Educators must consider each student’s unique experiences and backgrounds, which can significantly impact their learning and behavior. This only happens when remaining open to the possibility that multiple explanations for an observed phenomenon may exist.

 

When we think we know and understand a situation, we attend to the minimal number of cues necessary to complete a task or, in this situation, reach a conclusion. The result is never exploring additional cues or information that could suggest an alternate explanation for the encountered phenomenon. This is, in short, a definition of mindlessness. Educators should be cautious of such mindless approaches as they can lead to overlooking important cues and information that could provide a deeper understanding of their students. This highlights the need for caution and thoroughness in problem-solving, particularly in educational and authoritative settings.

 

The difference between “absolute thinking” and “conditional thinking” is that absolute thinking is rooted in the belief that “this is the way,” the undisputed fact. Believing this automatically terminates further consideration of other or alternative explanations or solutions. Like a detective who “knows” John Jones is guilty and then looks exclusively for evidence to support that hypothesis, never considering that there could be or are other suspects, the absolute thinker defaults to a mindless consideration of the evidence. Mindfulness, on the other hand, necessitates “conditional thinking.” In conditional thinking, I remain open to the metaphorical fact that there may be more ways to get from Philadelphia to New York City than via I-95 and that circumstances or context could warrant pursuing a different course of action.

 

Ensuring “conditional” thinking may be as simple as how we phrase our questions or describe a situation or object. For example, notice the difference in what comes to mind when presented with these two statements: A baseball bat is the weapon, and A baseball bat could be the weapon. In the first, there is no doubt, at least in the speaker’s mind, whereas in the second, perhaps it is, but then again, perhaps something else is the weapon. This illustrates how mindfulness and conditional thinking can open a range of possibilities, fostering a more open-minded and flexible approach. 

 

Absolute statements leave no room for question; there is no room for exploring “what if…” Conditional statements, on the other hand, invite speculation; they expand the boundaries of possibility. Such differentiation becomes important when considering how individuals in positions of real or presumed authority deliver information.

 

Assume you are speaking with a physician – or therapist, lawyer, detective, or another perceived as in authority. You’re told that all indications are this is cancer – or ‘depression,’ ‘liable,’ ‘proof.’  First, what are you experiencing emotionally, and second, in what role have you cast yourself that triggers that emotional reaction? Likely, you are emotionally upset and see yourself as a “patient” or “client/patient” or “defendant” or “suspect,” mindlessly considering that role as you act according to your absolute understanding of how one in that role should act. 

 

What if that physician, therapist, lawyer, or detective said, All indications suggest this might be cancer/depression/liable/proof; might you feel more hopeful if not empowered to explore how best to act on rather than react to the statement? And because this person in a position of authority presented a conditional statement, might you be more inclined to see yourself as a mindful individual in a position to do something in response to the information rather than mindlessly submitting to a constraining role held as absolute fact?

 

We live in a time and culture enamored of absolutes. We seek “the answer,” and we follow it mindlessly once we believe we have found it. My grandfather used to say that we know what we have learned and learned what we’re taught, but this is not all there is to know. Mindfulness involves remaining open to the idea that things are not always how they appear.

How Cognitive Bias Can Lead to Irrational Decisions

Cognitive bias refers to systematic errors in our thinking that affect how we perceive and interpret information and make decisions based on that information. While not intentional or malicious, these biases can significantly impact our decision-making process. They result from the limitations and shortcuts of our cognitive system, which tries to process a vast amount of information efficiently and quickly. However, cognitive biases can also have negative consequences, especially when they lead to irrational decisions against our best interests, goals, or values.

Some Common Cognitive Biases That Affect Our Decisions

Confirmation bias is the tendency to seek, interpret, and remember information that confirms our existing beliefs or hypotheses while ignoring or dismissing information that contradicts them. It can make us overconfident and resistant to changing our opinions even when faced with new evidence. For example, confirmation bias can lead us only to visit news sources that align with our political views and dismiss any opposing arguments as biased or false.

An availability heuristic is the tendency to judge the likelihood or frequency of an event based on how easily we can recall examples from our memory. This heuristic can cause us to overestimate the probability of rare or sensational events and underestimate the likelihood of ordinary or mundane events. For example, it can lead us to fear flying more than driving, even though flying is statistically much safer than driving.

The framing effect is a bias that relates to the influence resulting from the presentation of information rather than from the information itself. The framing effect can make us react differently to the same information depending on the wording or staging of the information, the emphasis placed on specific aspects of the information, or the presentation’s context. For example, preferring our surgeon to announce the planned procedure as “90% effective” rather than 10% ineffective, or the framing effect can lead us to choose a product labeled as "90% fat-free" over one labeled as "10% fat," even though they are essentially the same.

Sunk cost fallacy: This is the tendency to continue investing in a project, course of action, or relationship that has already cost us a significant amount of time, money, or effort, even when it is not worth it. The sunk cost fallacy can make us reluctant to cut our losses and move on because we feel that we have already invested too much to give up. For example, the sunk cost fallacy can lead us to keep watching a boring movie until the end because we have already paid for the ticket.

Related to the sunk cost fallacy is "loss aversion." This bias relates to our tendency to emphasize the chance of sustaining a loss more than the potential to realize a gain. For example, you invest $100 in a stock you believe will result in significant growth, but it steadily declines in value over several months. Because it now sells for less than you paid, you are averse to selling even though the stock will likely decline further. Put another way, investing the funds realized by selling the underperforming stock in a CD with a guaranteed rate of return is an unattractive alternative to continuing to hold the declining stock. Two mundane examples include sitting through a boring or offensive film simply because you paid for the ticket or eating an unappetizing meal because you paid for it.

Hindsight bias is the tendency to see events, even random ones, as more predictable than they are. Some examples of hindsight bias include insisting that you knew who was going to win a football game once the event was over (Monday morning quarterbacking), believing that you knew all along that one political candidate was going to win an election, or saying that you knew you weren't going to win after losing a coin flip with a friend.

Self-serving bias is the tendency to attribute positive outcomes to our abilities and efforts while attributing adverse consequences to external factors or bad luck. Self-serving bias can cause us to overestimate our skills and achievements (the Dunning-Kruger effect) and underestimate our flaws and mistakes. For example, it can lead us to take credit for a successful project at work but blame our co-workers for one that fails.

The bandwagon effect is the tendency to conform to the opinions and behaviors of others, especially when perceiving them as popular or the majority views. The bandwagon effect can make us adopt beliefs or actions that we might not otherwise agree with or do because we want to fit in or avoid social rejection. For example, the bandwagon effect can lead us to vote for candidates because most of our friends or family support them.

 

How to Overcome Cognitive Biases and Make Better Decisions

Although cognitive biases are hard to eliminate because of their being ingrained in our mental system, there are steps we can take to reduce their influence and improve our decision-making:

Be aware of your biases: The first step is to recognize that you are not immune to cognitive biases, which can affect your thinking and behavior in various situations. You can use online resources such as https://effectiviology.com/cognitive-biases/ to learn more about cognitive biases and how they work.

Seek diverse and reliable sources of information: The second step is to broaden your perspective and expose yourself to different viewpoints and credible and trustworthy sources of information. You can use online tools such as https://mediabiasfactcheck.com/ to check the bias and accuracy of various news outlets and websites.

Challenge your assumptions and beliefs: The third step is to question your assumptions and beliefs and test them against evidence and logic. You can use online platforms such as https://www.kialo.com/ to engage in constructive debates with others on various topics and issues.

Consider alternative options and scenarios: The fourth step is to avoid jumping to conclusions based on limited or biased information. Instead, consider other options and scenarios that could explain or influence the situation. You can use online techniques such as https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Six_Thinking_Hats to adopt different perspectives and modes of thinking.

Seek feedback and advice from others: The fifth step is to seek input and advice from others who are knowledgeable, experienced, or impartial about the decision you are facing.

Conclusion

Cognitive bias is a natural phenomenon that affects how we think and make decisions. However, cognitive bias can also lead us to make irrational decisions that are not in our best interest. By being aware of our biases, seeking diverse and reliable sources of information, challenging our assumptions and beliefs, considering alternative options and scenarios, and seeking feedback and advice from others, we can overcome cognitive biases and make better decisions.

Bloom Where You’re Planted

Along with April Fool’s Day, and Tax Day, few of us think of April without recalling the adage, that April showers bring May flowers. We relate to this saying when we experience April’s rain and then enjoy the beauty of May. But there is a deeper, more significant meaning to this traditional homage to spring…that is, no problem exists without its gift inside.

No matter where we are in our life's path, obstacles always have the potential to shake our self-assurance or, even worse, damage our self-worth. For individuals with duties such as caregiving, educating, managing, or any position that involves assisting people facing difficulties in the modern world, uncertainty about their impact is a common concern. Even for seasoned professionals, the key is to avoid allowing a preoccupation with issues to diminish the significance of showing empathy towards those who are going through them. 

My grandfather always used to emphasize the importance of continuous learning and growth. He would say that while we may know what we have been taught, there will always be more to learn and discover. As a young adolescent, I may not have fully grasped the depth of Pop’s words, but they have resonated with me throughout my entire professional journey. Even with five decades in my field, I never reached a point where I felt I had mastered all there was to know in my field let alone life. This realization pushed me to strive for excellence each day, knowing that there is always room for improvement. When faced with challenges beyond my capabilities, those moments resulted in self-doubt and more than once, flirting with burnout.

 

Upon reflecting on my grandfather’s wisdom, I came to realize that I had overlooked the most important piece of his advice. Although I may not have been as skilled on a given day as I would eventually become, I was still better than I was the day before. You see, even though one's knowledge and experience may have limitations at any given point in time, as Theodore Roosevelt once said, one must make the most of what they have and employ it where they are. Wisdom seems to develop when we acknowledge the boundaries of our knowledge. It is wisdom that urges us to seek assistance when confronting our limitations. In short, knowledge is knowing a lot of facts and wisdom is knowing which facts matter.

 

Unfortunately, Americans often balk at seeking assistance, viewing it as a sign of weakness and ignorance or a lack of ability. Paradoxically, it is the humility displayed in asking for help that paves the way for personal growth and development, leading to a brighter future. Thankfully, help exists in many forms. Formal education, finding a mentor, gaining insights from a talented supervisor, or simply engaging in conversations with others who faced similar challenges. One of the most effective ways to learn, as Albert Bandura proposed decades ago, is through observational learning. By observing and learning from experienced individuals one not only gains knowledge but also identifies potential mentors.

 

There are many ways one can learn from others and emulate their behavior…from reading biographies and autobiographies to watching documentary films, “bio-pics,” and YouTube clips to simply watching those who have mastered a skill you wish to add to your repertoire, or listening to them as they share their stories. YouTube videos are particularly useful in this regard.

 

Such “observational” learning helps us realize that what we wish we could do, can be done. Once acknowledged, the next step is an act of humility that allows me to recognize that these others have done what I have been unable to do, meaning, indeed, “This skill is doable.” This humbling admission is only possible when we let go of the belief that our previous shortcomings were evidence of being less than perfect and repurpose them as indications of a need for more work on a skill yet to be mastered. Remember, thoughts are not facts; if we want to grow personally, we need to change the way we think about ourselves as a person.

 

Upon shifting our perspective to view our shortcomings as indicators of necessary steps rather than personal flaws, we became open to learning. Through consistent action, we hone the skills that lead to the confidence and transformation we desire - essentially, practice makes perfect. Embracing the process of learning from others and applying that knowledge not only boosts confidence but also facilitates personal growth. This evolution may eventually pave the way to becoming more skillful and someone that others aspire to emulate as they journey toward their personal growth. To illustrate this point, an allegory shared by a supervisor years ago:

 

The circus’s arrival in town each spring was heralded by its parade down Main Street, the elephants traveling single file, “trunks on tails, trunks on tails.” This one year there was a baby elephant just recently born and therefore the last elephant in the parade as it left the train yard and proceeded down Main Street to the circus grounds, firmly holding its mother’s tail. Well, as the years passed and the circus continued to visit the town, new baby elephants joined the circus and the little elephant no longer found itself the last in the procession. As is the circle of life, the pachyderm’s mother eventually passed away, leaving our protagonist without a tail to grasp with its trunk and therefore no one to follow. In bewilderment, as she turned to glance behind her in hopes of finding a new leader to follow, she saw a long line of elephants following her…trunks on tails, trunks on tails; you see, she had become the lead elephant.

 

So, as you think about April’s showers and the flowers they bring in May, remember to consider that the “showers” of our lives can result in untold blooms in May, so never forget to "bloom where you’re planted."

Spirituality and Counseling: Not So Strange Bedfellows

Addressing spiritual issues when working with clients/patients often sparks passionate discussions among counseling professionals. The driving factor behind one’s position on this issue is frequently one’s definition of spirituality and how one interprets this question. The efficacy of addressing spiritual issues in counseling is also a key consideration, as it relates to the impact on the client/patient experience.

 

Through my involvement in this debate or as an observer over the years, I have learned that reframing spirituality as inclusive, beyond a theistic view of existence and religious dogma, can make it more acceptable as a legitimate objective of counseling services.

This issue came to the forefront when my students would submit essays in my addictions counseling classes. As I read their thoughts on spirituality’s place in the counseling relationship, I often pointed out that addressing it can bring additional depth to the delivery of services. It allows for a more comprehensive understanding of their situation, much like the difference between viewing a two-dimensional photograph of a location and being there, experiencing its three dimensions and all the sensory input that comes with it.

 

Addressing spiritual issues in counseling allows the practitioner to immerse clients in their own experience, providing more than insight and understanding in the process. It highlights the importance of clients empathizing with their own experiences, a skill that counseling professionals are well-versed in and can use to enhance their practice.

 

Considering spirituality as a state of connectedness to life, rather than mere participation, opens up a new dimension in counseling and enriches a client’s growth. Recognizing that one is an active participant in life, not just a passive observer, is akin to being a film director, not just a critic in a darkened theater. This perspective shift can be a powerful tool in helping clients overcome obstacles and grow personally.

 

Although practitioners of counseling and therapy appreciate the importance of helping clients grow by identifying and removing obstacles, there has been some hesitancy, even in Counselor Education, to pursue spiritual issues in counseling services. However, there is an increasing recognition of their importance.

 

My understanding of these issues, particularly from a worldview perspective, has evolved throughout my counseling career. As a younger student driven by a genuine desire to help, my comprehension of the human spirit and its significance in self-actualization was still in its infancy. As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to appreciate that while physical strength and endurance may diminish, wisdom and an understanding of the resilience and importance of the human spirit only deepen. 

 

In my personal experience, the individuals I have encountered, including clients, acquaintances, family members, mentors, and professors, have shown me the importance of a higher power in finding meaning in life and having faith in the inherent dignity of all creation. Whether the “H” in higher or the “P” in power requires capitalization is a legitimate discussion; however, the belief in a power greater than oneself seems to involve more than a simple leap of faith. Assessing a client’s sense of connectedness to this higher power by addressing spirituality is relevant in counseling.

 

So, to address the initial question of why spirituality is a “hot button” issue in counseling or therapy, it is a complex topic that involves personal beliefs, interpretations, and the potential impact on the client/patient experience.

Understanding Negative Self-Talk

Negative thinking or as some call it, negative self-talk, “stinkin’ thinkin’,” is an all too common threat to individuals with a substance use disorder. Such thinking can seriously jeopardize the ability to change one’s substance using behavior by sabotaging change efforts with doubts about one’s ability to change and the resulting fear of failure. Counselors employing Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) can teach clients whose negative self-talk presents roadblocks to change by helping them identify and then dismantle these barriers.

 

Albert Ellis, the founder of REBT, developed the “A-B-C” approach to counseling individuals whose negative self-talk impedes their movement towards desired change goals. In this approach to cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), the “A” stands for an activating event that precedes some consequence like a negative emotion or untoward behavior, the “C” in this model. The “B” represents the belief one holds and uses to interpret this activating event (A) that results in the consequence (C). The beauty of this model is its simplicity in pointing out that it is not the event that causes one’s emotional upset but what one tells oneself about the event that is the source of the distress.

In short, the model moves the focus of change from an external locus of control—something over which the client has no control—to an internal locus of control where the likelihood of change is something the client can affect. Once aware of the “A” interpreted by “B” results in “C” view of negative emotions, clients can then dispute, what Ellis referred to as “D” in his model, these irrational beliefs and replace them with new effective rational beliefs, “E” in his model. 

 

Teaching clients to challenge irrational beliefs can involve a variety of techniques and strategies. One of which is cognitive restructuring. This is a therapeutic technique used to challenge and change irrational or negative thought patterns. It involves identifying and examining the underlying beliefs and assumptions that contribute to these thoughts and replacing them with more rational and positive ones. This process often involves questioning the evidence and logic behind the irrational beliefs and finding alternative, more realistic interpretations of the situation when the belief fails to stand up to such scrutiny. It aims to help individuals develop healthier and more adaptive ways of thinking, which can lead to improved emotional well-being and behavior.

 

Let's say someone holds the belief that they are a failure because they made a mistake at work. They believe this causes them to feel anxious and depressed. Through cognitive restructuring, they can challenge and replace this irrational belief with a more rational and helpful one.

First, they would identify the negative thought or belief, which in this case is “I am a failure.” Then, they would examine the evidence for and against this belief. They might realize that they have had many successes in their career and that this one mistake does not define their entire worth or competence.

 

Next, they would generate alternative, more rational thoughts or beliefs. For example, they could replace “I am a failure” with “I made a mistake, but I am capable and have learned from it. I can improve and do better in the future.”

 

Finally, they would practice and reinforce these new thoughts or beliefs through repetition and positive self-talk. Over time, this cognitive restructuring process can help them develop a more balanced and realistic perspective, leading to improved emotional well-being.

 

Another useful technique for disputing irrational beliefs is the “downward arrow technique,” sometimes called the vertical interviewing technique. This technique is a cognitive therapy technique used to identify and challenge irrational beliefs. Although developed for use in Beck’s Cognitive Therapy, it is equally useful when employing Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). It involves asking a series of “why” questions to explore the underlying beliefs and assumptions that lead to negative thoughts or behaviors. Some thoughts on employing this technique include:

 

·      Identify a negative thought or behavior: Start by identifying a negative thought or behavior that you want to explore further. It could be something like “I'm not good enough” or “I always mess things up.”

·      Ask “why” questions: Once you have identified the negative thought or behavior, ask yourself why you believe it or why you engage in that behavior. For example, if your negative thought is “I'm not good enough,” you might ask yourself, “Why do I believe that?” or “Why do I think I'm not good enough?”

·      Explore underlying beliefs: As you ask yourself these “why” questions, pay attention to the underlying beliefs and assumptions that come up. Often deeply ingrained, these beliefs may not be immediately obvious. For example, you might uncover beliefs like “I have to be perfect to be worthy” or “I'm not lovable unless I achieve certain things.”

·      Challenge the beliefs: Once you have identified the underlying beliefs, challenge them by asking yourself if they are rational or if there is evidence to support them. For example, if your belief is “I have to be perfect to be worthy,” ask yourself if that belief is realistic or if there are examples in your life where you have felt worthy despite not being perfect.

·      NOTE: Uncover or “exposing” underlying or “core beliefs” that give rise to negative self-talk may require several successive questions such as: “and if this is true, what does that mean?” or “and your proof of this is?” Such questions often generate yet additional beliefs to which additional “why” questions or others as just cited can ultimately result in identifying one or two “core beliefs.” These core beliefs, like those noted in the previous bullet, tend to generate all the negative self-talk reported by clients. Identifying and then effectively disputing them can result in significant improvements for your client.

·      Replace with rational beliefs: Finally, replace the irrational beliefs with more rational and positive ones. For example, if your belief is “I have to be perfect to be worthy,” you could replace it with “I am worthy just as I am, flaws and all” or, “I may not be perfect but when I am not, I learn from my mistakes.”

 

Remember, the downward arrow technique is a tool to help you identify and challenge irrational beliefs. It may take time and practice to fully uncover and dispute these beliefs, but it can be a powerful tool for personal growth and self-improvement.

 

As noted above, there are many techniques and strategies used by cognitively oriented practitioners when assisting clients. Many of these are particularly useful when working with individuals with a substance use disorder. For mor on cognitive techniques and resources, visit https://positivepsychology.com/cbt-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-techniques-worksheets/