We live in a time that constantly bombards us with messages about how we should look and think. From the portrayal of aging in advertisements to how TV and movies portray us, it becomes difficult to focus on the importance of “life in our years” rather than preoccupied with messages suggesting we count the years in our lives. Lincoln’s advice is evidence of the wisdom that comes with age and is an apt theme for this essay.
Have you ever tried to open a long-closed door, perhaps one closed for years? Unused and rusty hinges,
· But the first step toward aging gracefully is recognizing that there is always more to learn. Learning is the hinge on which graceful aging swings.
· DEMONSTRATION: LACED FINGER EXERCISE – to demonstrate how difficult it is to change old ideas and consider new ones, lace your fingers and note which is on top of which…right over left, for example. Now, unlace your fingers and re-lace them THE OTHER WAY so that the opposite fingers are on top. How does it feel? Odd? Strange? WRONG! Well, that is how we feel when trying something new…because it is different, it feels wrong,and the tendency is to return to the old, correct way!
The “island of the known” is where we live. This island has expanded significantly since we were born. Each time we add a new skill or piece of information to our experiential library, that “island of the known” expands. Some of us, however, mistakenly believe that this island’s expansion has limits and reaches a point beyond which it cannot extend farther. Perhaps limited by time, perhaps by opportunity, but always this belief that further expansion is impossible results from our thinking and the messages we tell ourselves…our “self-talk,” if you will.
Those who age gracefully discover two essential things. First, irrespective of age, circumstances, or resources, the opportunity to learn never ends. Second, if the opportunity to learn never ends, the “island of the known” never stops expanding into the “ocean of the unknown.”
Wisdom comes from knowledge, but it’s more than just “knowing” facts you learn. Rather, wisdom results
from understanding what you’re taught and knowing that what you learned is not all there is to know. The opportunity to learn something new depends on having an open mind and being ready to learn from all of life’s teachers. As the old Zen koan suggests, “When the pupil is ready, the teacher will appear.”
Wisdom is different than knowledge. Like a fine wine, it matures with age. It is more than just the accumulation of facts and details; it comes from realizing that our “island of the known’s” boundaries are not absolute. Wisdom, in part, provides the ability to use the knowledge we accumulate through life to expand the boundaries on our “islands of the known.”
That said, beware of the threat of mindlessness! Mindlessness results from believing that what may be true in one situation explains all situations. When we surrender to absolute thinking, we fail to think before acting, which is the opposite of learning.
Life is full of pitfalls, blockades, and distractions, and mindlessness is among the most insidious.
Do you remember the poem recited at the end of the Moody Blues song, “Knights in White Satin,” on their “Days of Future Past” album?
Cold-hearted orb that rules the night
Removes the colors from our sight
Red is grey and yellow-white
But we decide which is right
And which is an illusion
This is an apt description of mindlessness. As the last verse states, we decide which is right and which is an illusion…what is “mindful living” and what is “mindless living.”
Mindless first impressions sabotage learning. They close the door to exploring new things. When our minds are set on one way of viewing things…it’s difficult to see the bigger picture. For example, Describe the woman you see in this illustration.
Is this an old or a young woman? No matter which you see, look carefully and study this graphic because it is, in fact, a picture of both… an old woman smoking a cigarette and a young girl whose jawline and check are the old woman’s nose…and the old woman’s cigarette and smoke is the young woman’s scarf.
We tend to see what we expect to see. What do you view when you look in the mirror…and not just the bathroom mirror but the mirror you carry in your mind?
The Risks of Never Questioning Negative Self-Talk
We all engage in “self-talk.” Everyone does this, but some of us engage in negative self-talk, which some call “stinking thinking.” These individuals tell themselves things that are negative, disheartening, and sometimes even abusive…“I’m so stupid!” “I can’t do anything right!” “I’m too old to learn that?” “I’ll just embarrass myself if I try that,” or “This always happens to me!” etc.
The good news is that you have demonstrated a commitment to learning by deciding to read this manuscript. Continued learning represents the fundamental difference between “growing old” and “aging gracefully.” The former views life as an inevitable march toward an endpoint where the closer we get, the less time we tell ourselves we have. The latter views life as an adventure-filled journey to experience one day at a time.
Fortunately, there is a simple remedy for this type of negative thinking. When I find myself entertaining one of these negative “put-down” self-messages, I ask myself, Where’s the proof? Remember: Nothing always happens. Experienced negative thinkers have a long history of practicing negative thinking and can point to examples of mistakes made or what they believe justifies their negative self-talk. But there is a difference between making mistakes and telling myself I cannot do something new because of errors made in the past. What expert was practiced the first time attempting a new skill? What expert never learned by making mistakes when trying something new? As a matter of fact, experts welcome mistakes because they demonstrate where their “island of the known” needs expanding. When I ask myself, “Where’s the proof,” I often discover that there is none, or if some evidence does seem to exist, it’s not proof that I can’t do something, but the realization I have not practiced doing it enough yet.
So, let’s revisit Lincoln’s earlier statement: Is it the years in your life or the life in your years that is of most significant importance? What do you think of Lincoln’s famous statement now? How has your belief become more genuine if you agreed with it when reading it earlier?
If you disagreed with Lincoln before, has your opinion changed at all?
If the life in your years matters, consider this thought quote from Echart Tolle, “…realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.”
The difference between aging gracefully and growing old is that when one ages gracefully, one views each day as a new stop on life’s journey, whereas when one grows old, each day just brings one closer to its ultimate end. Remember: Yesterday is a memory, tomorrow is a dream, and today is a gift…that’s why it’s called the present.
An Awareness Challenge
We all follow routines. We have rituals in our lives. Thank God for our ability to place certain aspects of our lives on autopilot, things like operating a car, navigating to the grocery store, preparing for bed, and a million other routines. However, suppose most of our life is on autopilot; we always order the same thing when we go to a restaurant and buy the same clothes. In that case, we always watch the same TV shows, we always vote for the same political party…we always do so many things that we never explore expanding the shores of our “island of the known” into the “ocean of the unknown” that lies beyond it.
Here’s an exercise designed to challenge “flying on autopilot”: challenge yourself to notice three new things each time you engage in one of your routines. When walking the dog, challenge yourself to notice three things you have never seen before. When you start, this will be easy because you have never done this before, so everything is new. As the days go on, however, it becomes more challenging. You may have to notice things like the cloud formations in the sky, the length of the squirrel’s tail that crosses the road in front of you, the fact that Mrs. Jones’s rose bush only had buds yesterday, and today it has flowers, etc.
As a simple experiment designed to break out of autopilot mode, consider what Wayne Dyer, an American Psychologist, and positive thinking guru, once said, “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Try smiling at someone and see what happens. Try waving at the car you pass when driving down the street your home is on. When upset by something someone did, challenge yourself to think of 2 to 3 explanations for their behavior that might reduce your anger and result in an alternative reaction to their behavior.
Embracing the Concept of ‘Graceful Aging’
This exercise requires having “3 stickers” of any type. Colored dots, like those found on a medical chart, work well, but any three stickers you have that are handy will work. Put one of these stickers where you will see it often during the day – the bathroom mirror, your phone, on the fridge. The 2nd goes somewhere you will visit frequently during the week, perhaps daily – the dash in your car, your front door knob, or on your mailbox. The 3rd place where you will occasionally encounter it; on a stop sign in your neighborhood, the paper towel dispenser at work, or the restroom at work or church.
Choose one of the Following Positive Affirmations or Create Your Own and write it down!
· “I am grateful for the gift of each new day.”
· “I embrace the wisdom that comes with each passing year.”
· “I am constantly learning and growing, regardless of my age.”
· “I am worthy of love, respect, and happiness.”
· “I have learned and grown in many ways as I have entered my golden years.”
· “I embrace the gray areas of my life.”
· “I am a master at adapting.”
· “I love ____ about myself right now.”
Each time you see your sticker, say your affirmation out loud (unless you are with someone and too embarrassed to say it out loud, in which case, tell it to yourself). This exercise trains you to deliver positive affirmations about aging. NOTE: This activity works equally well with any positive thinking goal.
When combatting mindlessness and changing your perspective on aging, remember that “People do not resist change; they resist being changed” (Peter Senge). But change is hard when I believe I’m obligated or someone tells me I must. We resent others telling us what to do. Psychologists call this reactance…we tend to do the opposite of what others tell us to do or, at the least, do it begrudgingly and with resentment. So, I need to identify why I want to change. What is the payoff? How might I benefit from it? There is a parable in the New Testament about the man who finds a treasure buried in a field and then sells all he owns to get the funds to purchase the land with the treasure – he was willing to give up everything to get something he deemed of greater value.
Sandra Anice Bars wrote in her book of poetry, Life is the Way It Is, “It’s so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to.” Change is hard when I “have to change,” but it becomes easier when change is what I want. So, the challenge for us becomes, why might I want to change? In short, what would benefit me if I looked at aging from a different perspective? What’s the payoff?
To explore this question, challenge yourself to identify at least three things you experienced during the day for which you are grateful. Write these down in a journal or log and date them. NOTE: These can be little things, like your coffee cup as the sun rises or your favorite snack item was on sale at the grocery, or you received an email from an old friend. Doing this in the evening, if not before bed, is best.
A subset of this exercise is to identify several things you look forward to each day when getting up in the morning and to log this with the date in your journal. NOTE: This is NOT a list of “to-do” things; this is a list of what you look forward to…look for reasons to be positive, and you will find them. Abraham Lincoln said most men are as happy as they make up their minds to be.
ALSO NOTE: Both activities can be small, almost insignificant things to anyone else. What’s essential is they are important to you.
“Mindless, automatic thinking is to use yesterday’s thinking to solve today’s problems. Embracing life’s journey involves addressing today’s demands to avoid tomorrow’s difficulties” (Ellen Langer). For some, acting on this necessitates embracing a new way of thinking. However, another way to interpret the graphic above is to realize that we can either “act on” life or “react to it.” Reacting to life is to let life determine our path through the day rather than to choose our path by acting on the opportunities presented to us…even the problems, troubles, disappointments, and losses we experience present us with the chance to act on rather than react to them. When I act on life, I am in control. When I react to life, life controls me.
Aging gracefully is about learning to act on life, one day at a time.
Remember: If you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you’ve always gotten.
So, what have we been talking about? If life is a journey rather than a destination, then each day, each experience, is an opportunity to expand the boundaries of our “island of the known.” No matter where you go, there you are, and that is the exact spot where we need to be to act on life. The Navajo have a saying, “Beauty before me, beauty behind me. Beauty to the left of me, beauty to the right of me. Beauty above me, beauty below me. I’m on the pollen path.” And that “pollen path,” well, consider this quote from Pope Francis: The whole journey of life is a journey of preparation... to see, to feel, to understand the beauty of what lies ahead, of the homeland towards which we walk.
If I believe that I never stop learning when I realize that every experience, even the negative experiences, is an opportunity, when I accept that even problems, loss, and disappointment present learning opportunities, then I transition from seeing my birth certificate as a document that confirms how “old I am” to realizing it was my ticket of admission to the journey of life.
Trying to make a change in our lives is always challenging. The old me does not want to change. The old me will tell me I am too old to change. The old me will even go so far as to list all the reasons I cannot and should not change. But remember…even though we cannot keep the old stinking thinking from popping into our minds, that 1st thought that automatically enters when faced with an opportunity to learn or change, we can control what we do with that 1st thought by challenging it with an intentional and positive 2nd thought.
But aging gracefully is about being mindful; when we are mindful, we tend to see things others often miss. Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi once wrote Discovery consists in seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought.It’s all a matter of perspective…
Is 2 minutes a long time or a short time?
If you said, “Short time” (and most people do), hold your breath for 2 minutes! That simple instruction likely changes your perspective when considering the length of 2 minutes. Aging gracefully instead of just growing old is nothing more than experiencing a change in perspective.
So, as this essay comes to a close, your challenge here is to consider each of the following three questions and write down a 1 to 3-sentence answer for each. NOTE: There are no wrong answers, only your personal opinions, which means they are automatically correct J
• What are your thoughts on aging?
• How, if at all, have your thoughts on aging begun to shift?
• What will you do with this when you get home?
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