Riding the Wave: How Urge Surfing Encourages Personal Change

Image courtesy UC Irvine

 

Who hasn't felt an urge to do something? An urge is a strong, pressing desire or compulsion to act, often presenting as an intense physical or emotional impulse that can be hard to resist. It resembles a sudden, powerful need to act, like a push or pull toward a specific behavior. While most of us can relate, urges pose a significant threat to efforts aimed at changing personal behavior, particularly when that behavior involves a “bad habit” or even an addiction.

 

So, what’s someone to do when wanting to change a personal behavior but knowing that urges to lapse will likely occur? Numerous articles and books based on various theories explore the answer to this question. To do them justice would require adding another article, if not a book, to this collection. There are techniques, however, “tricks of the trade,” if you will, that may help manage these urges when they arise.

 

One effective technique developed by psychologist Dr. Alan Marlatt is Urge Surfing. This method encourages individuals to observe and experience their urges as if they were waves in the ocean. It is a powerful mindfulness practice for managing cravings, impulses, and negative emotions without succumbing to them.

 

The core principle of urge surfing is based on the understanding that most urges and cravings typically last less than 30 minutes if left unaddressed. Unfortunately, when faced with the urge to abandon our efforts, many of us who genuinely want to change our behavior try to suppress it or even fight against it. Regrettably, as Carl Jung noted almost a century ago, what you resist persists. Instead of suppressing or opposing these impulses, which can often amplify them, urge surfing encourages individuals to experience these sensations with curiosity and without judgment.

 

Urge surfing requires full engagement in the present moment. A commonly suggested method for achieving this is deep breathing and focusing on one’s immediate surroundings, like breathing itself. When an urge arises, the individual observes it without acting immediately, concentrating on the physical sensations, thoughts, and emotions connected with it. Similar to feeling a cramp or a "stitch” while exercising, pausing, taking several deep breaths, and remembering that, as members of AA say, this too shall pass can provide a sense of detachment and a degree of control by visualizing the urge as a wave that rises, crests, and eventually recedes.

 

This technique may help address the negative emotional states and physical or emotional triggers that generate these urges. Placing space between these precursors of urges and the behavior they historically evoke breaks this cycle. 

 

Urge surfing has demonstrated potential in dealing with issues like addiction recovery, managing impulsive behaviors, and coping with intense emotions. It decreases emotional reactivity by encouraging a calm, detached approach to urges, reducing their emotional impact and making them easier to handle over time. Essentially, it permits one to “act on” urges rather than “react to them” by lapsing into old behavior.

 

By regularly practicing urge surfing, individuals become more self-aware and emotionally stable and can make proactive choices as they reassert control over their change plan. This technique enables those seeking to make personal changes to manage discomfort without surrendering, encouraging positive behavioral changes and improving mental well-being.

The Art of Constructive Criticism: Building Bridges, Not Walls © 2025

 Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

Winston Churchill.

 

There is no failure, only feedback.

Robert Allen

 

As a college professor, writing assignments represented a significant part of a student’s grade in my courses each term. Therefore, I created a grading rubric for each assignment in which writing accounted for 15% of the overall grade; this was often enough to distinguish between higher and lower grades.

 

At the end of each term, students completed anonymous course evaluations, which included space for subjective comments on the course and my role as its instructor. Although generally relevant to the course subject matter, I occasionally received remarks about my grading. I recall one such student’s feedback that made me smile as I read it. It stated that Dr. Chapman seemed to have forgotten that this was a counseling course, not one on writing.

 

Since my students frequently struggled with writing mechanics, and many planned to attend graduate school after graduation, I took great care to provide feedback on how they could enhance the effectiveness of their arguments simply by attending to their writing, focusing on spelling, punctuation, syntax, and clarity in the expression of their ideas.

 

So, why is constructive criticism so difficult to accept? Why do we hesitate to seek feedback on our performance or react to it with embarrassment, if not resentment, when received? The answer is evident if the criticism is spiteful or malicious, but what about sincere, heartfelt, constructive criticism? 

 

Psychologists and therapists offer a myriad of answers to these questions. However, they all generally fall into one of four categories: (1) threats to self-esteem and identity such as ego-defense, fear of rejection, or personal experiences; (2) emotional reactions and triggers, including shame, anxiety, or “negative self-talk”; (3) misinterpretations and communication barriers, like perceived intent, lack of trust, or communication style; and (4) underlying beliefs and mental health issues, including personality disorders, perfectionism, or low self-esteem. 

 

To prepare students to receive feedback in my counseling classes, I would ask students to take several deep, calming breaths and think about someone in their life, whether present or past, alive or deceased, whom they greatly admired and held in high regard. This person could be a parent, a coach, a mentor, an instructor, or a friend. I would give them a moment to focus on that person and then pose three questions: (1) Did this person always tell you what you wanted to hear? I would see numerous heads shaking in response, “No.” (2) Did this person ever say or do something that upset or annoyed you? This time, the heads would nod in agreement. (3) Did this person ever say or do anything that made you so upset or angry that you didn't speak to them for an hour, a day, a week, or even longer? Again, heads would nod in agreement. I would then ask, “So why is it that this person, who didn’t always tell you what you wanted to hear, sometimes upset or angered you, perhaps even to the point of not speaking for an extended period, was the one who “popped” into your mind when I asked you to think of someone you hold in high regard and respect?”

 

The most plausible explanation for their experience is that this individual offered feedback, guidance, or advice in a way that ultimately helped them realize that a sincere concern for their well-being and a commitment to their growth and development motivated this feedback. 

 

In the first of two quotes introducing this essay, Churchill suggests that, like pain, criticism—or "feedback"—is crucial for preventing harm and realizing our full potential. In the second, Allen observes that there is no such thing as failure; instead, all our experiences, whether positive or negative, provide learning opportunities that guide us in what to repeat or how to approach things differently in the future.

 

In his book The Culture Code, Daniel Coyle discusses research showing that using 19 words as a preface when delivering feedback can significantly increase the chances of its acceptance and, most importantly, use. These 19 words are I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and am confident that you can reach them.

 

This straightforward introduction to providing feedback allows the recipient to recognize that what they are about to hear comes from someone committed to the pursuit of improvement and growth, someone who believes in their ability to achieve these goals.

 

While we can control our wording when giving feedback, we cannot control how the other person interprets it. Nevertheless, this 19-word preface offers any feedback we'd like to provide to enhance the chances of it being received and acted upon instead of dismissed or resented.

Collegiate Drinking: An Argument for Investing in Prevention

Alcohol is all but omnipresent in contemporary collegiate life, but reporting this is not news. As early as 1953, Robert Straus and Selden Bacon (1), sociologists at Yale, surveyed the drinking of approximately 15,747 students at 27 U.S. colleges and reported that most respondents reported drinking. However, they noted that relatively few students drank “frequently or heavily” (2). Fast forward to the present, and in December 2015 (3), the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism suggested that 60% of college students responding to a survey reported drinking at least once in the previous month, with two-thirds indicating the consumption of enough drinks to achieve a blood alcohol level of .08 or better in 2 hours. In short, college students continue to drink alcohol and, for some of them, to intoxication.

One reason collegiate drinking remains so persistent in collegiate culture is that the entire college or university student population turns over every four to six years. New, inexperienced students replace those whose drinking practices changed during their collegiate tenure, often by moderating consumption. Some of these new students arrive on campus with established patterns of alcohol use. Others arrived having abstained in high school or were infrequent users but were introduced to alcohol, given its prevalence on campus. Be that as it may, alcohol was historically and remains a staple of collegiate life.  

 

What has changed in the 70+ years since Straus & Bacon’s report is the availability of evidence-informed best practices that target student drinking behavior. Environmental management (4), the social-ecological model (5), and social norming represent examples of “macro” efforts to affect student drinking behavior, while Brief Alcohol Screening and Intervention for College Students (BASICS) and computer-based brief motivational enhancement activities characterize steps to impact individual decisions regarding alcohol and its use. Reviewing such efforts is beyond the scope of this essay, however. Instead, the argument presented here suggests that preventing high-risk and dangerous student drinking is more cost-effective and philosophically consistent with the mission statements of contemporary institutions of higher education (IHE) than habitually addressing its untoward consequences.

 

By way of framing this argument, let’s consider tobacco use and its myriad consequences. Seventy years ago, cigarette smoking was not only socially acceptable, it was a perceived social norm in America. Cigarettes were advertised on TV, sometimes by physicians, and socially conscious hosts always provided for the needs of smokers, be it simply by providing ashtrays on conference tables or in the armrests of airplane seats, if not canisters with cigarettes or small “4 cigarette packs” for guests at social events; smoking was expected. The only occasional objection raised regarding tobacco use was reserved for those smoking pipes or cigars. As ubiquitous as smoking was in the AMC series Mad Men,smoking was more prevalent in the reality of mid-20^th Century America. Then, things started to change as the first widespread public reports of the links between smoking and heart disease, cancer, and emphysema began to surface. 

 

Initially, the reported links between smoking and health issues were deemed suspicious and met with skepticism. “Big tobacco” questioned the authenticity of government findings, often funding their own “studies” refuting these claims. By the early 1980s, there was not much change in smoking behavior. However, the reports persisted. Then, the focus shifted from exclusively reporting health-related concerns to advocating for the rights of non-smokers with resulting public policy decisions that first mandated areas for non-smokers in public places, then “smoke-free” environments, and then banning the use of tobacco products altogether. 

 

Gradually but consistently, the public became less tolerant of smoking, and attitudes shifted to where tobacco use was relegated to specific areas, frequently to locations protecting the public from “second-hand” smoke, if not banning tobacco use altogether, even in open spaces like public parks and college campuses. 

 

It may have taken 70 years for America’s views regarding tobacco and its use to change, but they did. More to the point, as these attitudes changed, the untoward consequences, especially related to health, started to change…incidents of smoking-related illness began to drop. With a reduction in tobacco-related health problems, fewer associated deaths resulted, and healthcare costs tied to tobacco-related illness and disease declined.

 

The point of this analogy is to suggest that the costs associated with preventing tobacco use—and note that except for establishing a minimum legal purchase age for tobacco products, the use of tobacco products was not prohibited—were less than the costs associated with treating its health-related consequences. Health education, environmental management, and the use of the social-ecological model resulted in significant changes in behavior. Add to this that as attitudes regarding tobacco use changed, fewer people began to smoke, and more significant numbers of smokers decided to quit. As a result, non-illness-related consequences of smoking started to decrease as well…deaths due to fires associated with smoking in bed, automobile accidents related to drivers distracted when searching for cigarettes and trying to light them, or forest fires resulting from discarded cigarettes are but examples of such reductions. 

 

Now, let’s return to the consideration of preventing high-risk and dangerous collegiate drinking. For the sake of discussion, consider a private college with 4,000 students. Let’s assume that tuition at this college is $35,000 per year, plus room and board, books, and associated fees. It is not uncommon for IHEs to experience a rate of attrition between 10% and 15% a year, with 20% not an unheard-of statistic. Using a conservative rate of 10% attrition, 400 students leave the college each year before graduation. There are numerous reasons students choose to leave. Some decide to transfer to another school with a curriculum better suited to the student’s academic interests. Others flee various quality-of-life issues, such as peer weekend vandalism and violence associated with intoxication. Still, others leave to live closer to home, or, you guessed it, because of overtly alcohol-related issues like academic and/or judicial problems related to their drinking. 

 

Now, let’s do the math: $35,000/student tuition X 400 students leaving = $14,000,000 in lost tuition revenue per year…and this is using a conservative 10% attrition rate. True, not all these 400 left because of alcohol-related reasons, and the college may recruit 400 new students to replace these 400, but keeping an already matriculated student is much cheaper than finding, recruiting, and admitting replacements. Even if 10% of the 400 left because of the intoxicated behavior of peers and another 10% left because of their drinking, 80 students at $35,000 each equals a loss of 1,200,000 tuition dollars due to alcohol-related effects. Plus, who is to say that some of these “replacements” will not bring the same issues that affect the exit of the students they replaced?

 

So, we have a college with a $1,200,000 loss of revenue per year. Let’s also assume that this college is considering investing in preventing high-risk and dangerous drinking by adding dedicated staff experienced in employing evidence-informed best practices like those cited above. To accomplish this, the college proposes hiring three prevention specialists (6) at $60,000/year + benefits, budgets an additional $60,000/year to hire graduate interns to assist with the more individually if not clinically oriented prevention strategies, things like BASICS, and $10,000 to purchase the necessary licenses to involve all entering students in an evidence-based online brief motivational alcohol education experience (7). This is a total of $250,000 plus benefits for the 3 FTEs…at 25% per employee for benefits, this is another $62,500. Add $7,500 for miscellaneous related expenses…and to make the numbers even… our college is considering an expenditure of $320,000/year to provide prevention services.

 

At $35,000 tuition per year, how many of the 400 students leaving each year would have to remain matriculated to cover the expense of the prevention program? Again, let’s do the math: $320,000 ÷ $35,000 = 9.143 students. The likelihood that this college’s investment in prevention will result in a minimum of 9.14 fewer students leaving the institution each year is all but a certainty, with the likelihood that any more than 9.14 students who remain each year result in a net return on investment (ROI). In short, if a simple cost-benefit analysis suggests that an investment of $320,000 will likely yield a $320,000+ return, logic suggests it is the prudent course for this college. Add to the tuition that remains at the college the 1) marketing potential in advertising proactive efforts to prevent one of the more “notorious” collegiate problems, 2) likely improvement in campus–community relations, 3) opportunity to demonstrate further efforts to implement the college’s mission statement, and 4) potential impact on the entire campus culture by implementing the social-ecological model and you have a win – win – win – win – win scenario.  

 

Preventing high-risk and dangerous collegiate drinking is not only the right thing to do from a humanitarian perspective, but it demonstrates good business acumen and exemplifies the type of stewardship embodied in the mission statements of every college and university. 

 

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[1] Straus, R. & Bacon, S. (1953). Drinking in college. Greenwood Press.

[2] These “subjective measures” are not described

[3] National Institute on Alcohol Abuse & Alcoholism (2015). College drinking. http://bit.ly/1wjXF1k

[4] See http://bit.ly/2aWF6yR

[5] See http://libres.uncg.edu/ir/uncg/f/m_perko_use_2006.pdf

[6] 1 prevention specialist with a Public Heal/Health Education background employing the social-ecological model, including public policy issues, and 2 clinically oriented prevention specialists experienced in brief motivational enhancement strategies like BASICS.

[7] Something like the College Drinker’s Check-up – see https://www.perplexity.ai/search/what-is-the-social-ecological-bSazfU0.SLGG66T8z9uMbA#1

Aging Gracefully: Enjoying Life’s Journey

 

We live in a time that constantly bombards us with messages about how we should look and think. From the portrayal of aging in advertisements to how TV and movies portray us, it becomes difficult to focus on the importance of “life in our years” rather than preoccupied with messages suggesting we count the years in our lives. Lincoln’s advice is evidence of the wisdom that comes with age and is an apt theme for this essay.

 

Have you ever tried to open a long-closed door, perhaps one closed for years? Unused and rusty hinges,

especially those exposed to the weather, can present a challenge – like the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz when left exposed to the weather without oil. Well, the same is true of a closed mind, the mind of someone who believes all that is known is all there is to know and remains faithful to the “same old, same old.”

 

·      But the first step toward aging gracefully is recognizing that there is always more to learn. Learning is the hinge on which graceful aging swings.

·      DEMONSTRATION: LACED FINGER EXERCISE – to demonstrate how difficult it is to change old ideas and consider new ones, lace your fingers and note which is on top of which…right over left, for example. Now, unlace your fingers and re-lace them THE OTHER WAY so that the opposite fingers are on top. How does it feel? Odd? Strange? WRONG! Well, that is how we feel when trying something new…because it is different, it feels wrong,and the tendency is to return to the old, correct way!

 

The “island of the known” is where we live. This island has expanded significantly since we were born. Each time we add a new skill or piece of information to our experiential library, that “island of the known” expands. Some of us, however, mistakenly believe that this island’s expansion has limits and reaches a point beyond which it cannot extend farther. Perhaps limited by time, perhaps by opportunity, but always this belief that further expansion is impossible results from our thinking and the messages we tell ourselves…our “self-talk,” if you will.

 

Those who age gracefully discover two essential things. First, irrespective of age, circumstances, or resources, the opportunity to learn never ends. Second, if the opportunity to learn never ends, the “island of the known” never stops expanding into the “ocean of the unknown.”

 

Wisdom comes from knowledge, but it’s more than just “knowing” facts you learn. Rather, wisdom results

from understanding what you’re taught and knowing that what you learned is not all there is to know. The opportunity to learn something new depends on having an open mind and being ready to learn from all of life’s teachers. As the old Zen koan suggests, “When the pupil is ready, the teacher will appear.” 

 

Wisdom is different than knowledge. Like a fine wine, it matures with age. It is more than just the accumulation of facts and details; it comes from realizing that our “island of the known’s” boundaries are not absolute. Wisdom, in part, provides the ability to use the knowledge we accumulate through life to expand the boundaries on our “islands of the known.”

 

That said, beware of the threat of mindlessness! Mindlessness results from believing that what may be true in one situation explains all situations. When we surrender to absolute thinking, we fail to think before acting, which is the opposite of learning.

 

Life is full of pitfalls, blockades, and distractions, and mindlessness is among the most insidious. 

Do you remember the poem recited at the end of the Moody Blues song, “Knights in White Satin,” on their “Days of Future Past” album?

 

Cold-hearted orb that rules the night 
Removes the colors from our sight 
Red is grey and yellow-white 
But we decide which is right 
And which is an illusion

This is an apt description of mindlessness. As the last verse states, we decide which is right and which is an illusion…what is “mindful living” and what is “mindless living.”

 

Mindless first impressions sabotage learning. They close the door to exploring new things. When our minds are set on one way of viewing things…it’s difficult to see the bigger picture. For example, Describe the woman you see in this illustration. 

 

Is this an old or a young woman? No matter which you see, look carefully and study this graphic because it is, in fact, a picture of both… an old woman smoking a cigarette and a young girl whose jawline and check are the old woman’s nose…and the old woman’s cigarette and smoke is the young woman’s scarf.

We tend to see what we expect to see. What do you view when you look in the mirror…and not just the bathroom mirror but the mirror you carry in your mind?

 

The Risks of Never Questioning Negative Self-Talk

We all engage in “self-talk.” Everyone does this, but some of us engage in negative self-talk, which some call “stinking thinking.” These individuals tell themselves things that are negative, disheartening, and sometimes even abusive…“I’m so stupid!” “I can’t do anything right!” “I’m too old to learn that?” “I’ll just embarrass myself if I try that,” or “This always happens to me!” etc. 

 

The good news is that you have demonstrated a commitment to learning by deciding to read this manuscript. Continued learning represents the fundamental difference between “growing old” and “aging gracefully.” The former views life as an inevitable march toward an endpoint where the closer we get, the less time we tell ourselves we have. The latter views life as an adventure-filled journey to experience one day at a time. 

Fortunately, there is a simple remedy for this type of negative thinking. When I find myself entertaining one of these negative “put-down” self-messages, I ask myself, Where’s the proof? Remember: Nothing always happens. Experienced negative thinkers have a long history of practicing negative thinking and can point to examples of mistakes made or what they believe justifies their negative self-talk. But there is a difference between making mistakes and telling myself I cannot do something new because of errors made in the past. What expert was practiced the first time attempting a new skill? What expert never learned by making mistakes when trying something new? As a matter of fact, experts welcome mistakes because they demonstrate where their “island of the known” needs expanding. When I ask myself, “Where’s the proof,” I often discover that there is none, or if some evidence does seem to exist, it’s not proof that I can’t do something, but the realization I have not practiced doing it enough yet.

 

So, let’s revisit Lincoln’s earlier statement: Is it the years in your life or the life in your years that is of most significant importance? What do you think of Lincoln’s famous statement now? How has your belief become more genuine if you agreed with it when reading it earlier?

If you disagreed with Lincoln before, has your opinion changed at all?

 

If the life in your years matters, consider this thought quote from Echart Tolle, “…realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.”

 

The difference between aging gracefully and growing old is that when one ages gracefully, one views each day as a new stop on life’s journey, whereas when one grows old, each day just brings one closer to its ultimate end. Remember: Yesterday is a memory, tomorrow is a dream, and today is a gift…that’s why it’s called the present.

 

An Awareness Challenge

We all follow routines. We have rituals in our lives. Thank God for our ability to place certain aspects of our lives on autopilot, things like operating a car, navigating to the grocery store, preparing for bed, and a million other routines. However, suppose most of our life is on autopilot; we always order the same thing when we go to a restaurant and buy the same clothes. In that case, we always watch the same TV shows, we always vote for the same political party…we always do so many things that we never explore expanding the shores of our “island of the known” into the “ocean of the unknown” that lies beyond it.

Here’s an exercise designed to challenge “flying on autopilot”: challenge yourself to notice three new things each time you engage in one of your routines. When walking the dog, challenge yourself to notice three things you have never seen before. When you start, this will be easy because you have never done this before, so everything is new. As the days go on, however, it becomes more challenging. You may have to notice things like the cloud formations in the sky, the length of the squirrel’s tail that crosses the road in front of you, the fact that Mrs. Jones’s rose bush only had buds yesterday, and today it has flowers, etc.

 

As a simple experiment designed to break out of autopilot mode, consider what Wayne Dyer, an American Psychologist, and positive thinking guru, once said, “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Try smiling at someone and see what happens. Try waving at the car you pass when driving down the street your home is on. When upset by something someone did, challenge yourself to think of 2 to 3 explanations for their behavior that might reduce your anger and result in an alternative reaction to their behavior. 

 

Embracing the Concept of ‘Graceful Aging’

This exercise requires having “3 stickers” of any type. Colored dots, like those found on a medical chart, work well, but any three stickers you have that are handy will work. Put one of these stickers where you will see it often during the day – the bathroom mirror, your phone, on the fridge. The 2^nd goes somewhere you will visit frequently during the week, perhaps daily – the dash in your car, your front door knob, or on your mailbox. The 3^rd place where you will occasionally encounter it; on a stop sign in your neighborhood, the paper towel dispenser at work, or the restroom at work or church.

 

Choose one of the Following Positive Affirmations or Create Your Own and write it down!

·      “I am grateful for the gift of each new day.” 

·      “I embrace the wisdom that comes with each passing year.” 

·      “I am constantly learning and growing, regardless of my age.” 

·      “I am worthy of love, respect, and happiness.” 

·      “I have learned and grown in many ways as I have entered my golden years.” 

·      “I embrace the gray areas of my life.” 

·      “I am a master at adapting.” 

·      “I love ____ about myself right now.”

 

Each time you see your sticker, say your affirmation out loud (unless you are with someone and too embarrassed to say it out loud, in which case, tell it to yourself). This exercise trains you to deliver positive affirmations about aging. NOTE: This activity works equally well with any positive thinking goal.

 

When combatting mindlessness and changing your perspective on aging, remember that “People do not resist change; they resist being changed” (Peter Senge). But change is hard when I believe I’m obligated or someone tells me I must. We resent others telling us what to do. Psychologists call this reactance…we tend to do the opposite of what others tell us to do or, at the least, do it begrudgingly and with resentment. So, I need to identify why I want to change. What is the payoff? How might I benefit from it? There is a parable in the New Testament about the man who finds a treasure buried in a field and then sells all he owns to get the funds to purchase the land with the treasure – he was willing to give up everything to get something he deemed of greater value.

Sandra Anice Bars wrote in her book of poetry, Life is the Way It Is, “It’s so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to.” Change is hard when I “have to change,” but it becomes easier when change is what I want. So, the challenge for us becomes, why might I want to change? In short, what would benefit me if I looked at aging from a different perspective? What’s the payoff?

To explore this question, challenge yourself to identify at least three things you experienced during the day for which you are grateful. Write these down in a journal or log and date them. NOTE: These can be little things, like your coffee cup as the sun rises or your favorite snack item was on sale at the grocery, or you received an email from an old friend. Doing this in the evening, if not before bed, is best.

 

A subset of this exercise is to identify several things you look forward to each day when getting up in the morning and to log this with the date in your journal. NOTE: This is NOT a list of “to-do” things; this is a list of what you look forward to…look for reasons to be positive, and you will find them. Abraham Lincoln said most men are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

ALSO NOTE: Both activities can be small, almost insignificant things to anyone else. What’s essential is they are important to you.

 

“Mindless, automatic thinking is to use yesterday’s thinking to solve today’s problems. Embracing life’s journey involves addressing today’s demands to avoid tomorrow’s difficulties” (Ellen Langer). For some, acting on this necessitates embracing a new way of thinking. However, another way to interpret the graphic above is to realize that we can either “act on” life or  “react to it.” Reacting to life is to let life determine our path through the day rather than to choose our path by acting on the opportunities presented to us…even the problems, troubles, disappointments, and losses we experience present us with the chance to act on rather than react to them. When I act on life, I am in control. When I react to life, life controls me.

Aging gracefully is about learning to act on life, one day at a time.

 

Remember: If you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you’ve always gotten.

 

So, what have we been talking about? If life is a journey rather than a destination, then each day, each experience, is an opportunity to expand the boundaries of our “island of the known.” No matter where you go, there you are, and that is the exact spot where we need to be to act on life. The Navajo have a saying, “Beauty before me, beauty behind me. Beauty to the left of me, beauty to the right of me. Beauty above me, beauty below me. I’m on the pollen path.” And that “pollen path,” well, consider this quote from Pope Francis: The whole journey of life is a journey of preparation... to see, to feel, to understand the beauty of what lies ahead, of the homeland towards which we walk.

 

If I believe that I never stop learning when I realize that every experience, even the negative experiences, is an opportunity, when I accept that even problems, loss, and disappointment present learning opportunities, then I transition from seeing my birth certificate as a document that confirms how “old I am” to realizing it was my ticket of admission to the journey of life.

 

Trying to make a change in our lives is always challenging. The old me does not want to change. The old me will tell me I am too old to change. The old me will even go so far as to list all the reasons I cannot and should not change. But remember…even though we cannot keep the old stinking thinking from popping into our minds, that 1^st thought that automatically enters when faced with an opportunity to learn or change, we can control what we do with that 1st thought by challenging it with an intentional and positive 2^nd thought.

 

But aging gracefully is about being mindful; when we are mindful, we tend to see things others often miss. Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi once wrote Discovery consists in seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought.It’s all a matter of perspective…

 

Is 2 minutes a long time or a short time?

If you said, “Short time” (and most people do), hold your breath for 2 minutes! That simple instruction likely changes your perspective when considering the length of 2 minutes. Aging gracefully instead of just growing old is nothing more than experiencing a change in perspective.

 

So, as this essay comes to a close, your challenge here is to consider each of the following three questions and write down a 1 to 3-sentence answer for each. NOTE: There are no wrong answers, only your personal opinions, which means they are automatically correct J

•       What are your thoughts on aging?

•       How, if at all, have your thoughts on aging begun to shift?

•       What will you do with this when you get home?

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Mindfulness or Seeing the Big Picture

At a faculty dinner once, a tablemate from the Education Department spoke about a high school student in one of her student-teacher’s classes. This student never spoke in class, never raised his hand in response to the teacher’s questions, and, when asked a direct question, would look down and not respond. Unsure of how to advise this student-teacher to reach this student, she asked the table for recommendations.

 

Others proffered various suggestions, which they then discussed. I eventually asked if the student was Native American, and with a somewhat surprised look, my colleague acknowledged that he was. I then suggested that the situation she described was more likely cultural in nature and had little to do with the student’s mental health or intellectual acumen but rather the result of adherence to traditional Native American values, primarily if raised on the reservation, which he was. This underlines the crucial role of cultural sensitivity in understanding and addressing student behavior. 

 

This is, however, not an essay intent on addressing cultural sensitivity. Instead, it focuses on the importance of mindfulness and the problems associated with absolute thinking. In the abovementioned case, the educator’s understanding of the “role of student” was steeped in a Western definition of “engaged student.” This understanding of student involvement included raising hands in response to questions and responding when called on in class. This definition of “student” precluded considering the student in question’s situation as anything other than indicative of a problem that troubled students have and that teachers need to solve. By being mindful of cultural differences and individual student experiences, educators can avoid such absolute thinking and better understand their students. 

 

The teacher’s rigid or “absolute” definition of “functional student,” which included ALL students, resulted in a mindless reaction to this situation rather than viewing it as potentially unique to this individual student. In other words, the teacher’s unconditional understanding of the construct “student” prevented the teacher from considering that the “problem” might be the teacher’s approach to teaching rather than the student’s approach to learning. Educators must consider each student’s unique experiences and backgrounds, which can significantly impact their learning and behavior. This only happens when remaining open to the possibility that multiple explanations for an observed phenomenon may exist.

 

When we think we know and understand a situation, we attend to the minimal number of cues necessary to complete a task or, in this situation, reach a conclusion. The result is never exploring additional cues or information that could suggest an alternate explanation for the encountered phenomenon. This is, in short, a definition of mindlessness. Educators should be cautious of such mindless approaches as they can lead to overlooking essential cues and information that could provide a deeper understanding of their students. This highlights the need for caution and thoroughness in problem-solving, particularly in educational and authoritative settings.

 

The difference between “absolute thinking” and “conditional thinking” is that absolute thinking is rooted in the belief that “this is the way,” the undisputed fact. Believing this automatically terminates further consideration of other or alternative explanations or solutions. Like a detective who “knows” John Jones is guilty and then looks exclusively for evidence to support that hypothesis, never considering that there could be or are other suspects, the absolute thinker defaults to a mindless consideration of the evidence. Mindfulness, on the other hand, necessitates “conditional thinking.” In conditional thinking, I remain open to the metaphorical fact that there may be more ways to get from Philadelphia to New York City than via I-95 and that circumstances or context could warrant pursuing a different course of action.

 

Ensuring “conditional” thinking may be as simple as how we phrase our questions or describe a situation or object. For example, notice the difference in what comes to mind when presented with these two statements: A baseball bat is the weapon, and A baseball bat could be the weapon. In the first, there is no doubt, at least in the speaker’s mind, whereas in the second, perhaps it is, but then again, perhaps something else is the weapon. This illustrates how mindfulness and conditional thinking can open various possibilities, fostering a more open-minded and flexible approach. 

 

Absolute statements leave no room for question; there is no room for exploring “what if…” Conditional statements, on the other hand, invite speculation; they expand the boundaries of possibility. Such differentiation becomes essential when considering how individuals in positions of actual or presumed authority deliver information.

 

Assume you are speaking with a physician – or therapist, lawyer, detective, or another perceived as in authority. You’re told that all indications are this is cancer – or ‘depression,’ ‘liable,’ ‘proof.’  First, what are you experiencing emotionally, and second, in what role have you cast yourself that triggers that emotional reaction? Likely, you are emotionally upset and see yourself as a “patient” or “client/patient” or “defendant” or “suspect,” mindlessly considering that role as you act according to your absolute understanding of how one in that role should act. 

 

What if that physician, therapist, lawyer, or detective said, All indications suggest this might be cancer/depression/liable/proof; might you feel more hopeful if not empowered to explore how best to act on rather than react to the statement? And because this person in a position of authority presented a conditional statement, might you be more inclined to see yourself as a mindful individual in a position to do something in response to the information rather than mindlessly submitting to a constraining role held as absolute fact?

 

We live in a time and culture enamored of absolutes. We seek “the answer,” and once we believe we have found it, we follow it mindlessly. My grandfather used to say that we know what we have learned and what we’re taught, but this is not all there is to know. Mindfulness involves remaining open to the idea that things are not always how they appear.

How Cognitive Bias Can Lead to Irrational Decisions

Cognitive bias refers to systematic errors in our thinking that affect how we perceive and interpret information and make decisions based on that information. While not intentional or malicious, these biases can significantly impact our decision-making process. They result from the limitations and shortcuts of our cognitive system, which tries to process a vast amount of information efficiently and quickly. However, cognitive biases can also have negative consequences, especially when they lead to irrational decisions against our best interests, goals, or values.

Some Common Cognitive Biases That Affect Our Decisions

Confirmation bias is the tendency to seek, interpret, and remember information that confirms our existing beliefs or hypotheses while ignoring or dismissing information that contradicts them. It can make us overconfident and resistant to changing our opinions even when faced with new evidence. For example, confirmation bias can lead us only to visit news sources that align with our political views and dismiss any opposing arguments as biased or false.

An availability heuristic is the tendency to judge the likelihood or frequency of an event based on how easily we can recall examples from our memory. This heuristic can cause us to overestimate the probability of rare or sensational events and underestimate the likelihood of ordinary or mundane events. For example, it can lead us to fear flying more than driving, even though flying is statistically much safer than driving.

The framing effect is a bias that relates to the influence resulting from the presentation of information rather than from the information itself. The framing effect can make us react differently to the same information depending on the wording or staging of the information, the emphasis placed on specific aspects of the information, or the presentation’s context. For example, preferring our surgeon to announce the planned procedure as “90% effective” rather than 10% ineffective, or the framing effect can lead us to choose a product labeled as "90% fat-free" over one labeled as "10% fat," even though they are essentially the same.

Sunk cost fallacy: This is the tendency to continue investing in a project, course of action, or relationship that has already cost us a significant amount of time, money, or effort, even when it is not worth it. The sunk cost fallacy can make us reluctant to cut our losses and move on because we feel that we have already invested too much to give up. For example, the sunk cost fallacy can lead us to keep watching a boring movie until the end because we have already paid for the ticket.

Related to the sunk cost fallacy is "loss aversion." This bias relates to our tendency to emphasize the chance of sustaining a loss more than the potential to realize a gain. For example, you invest $100 in a stock you believe will result in significant growth, but it steadily declines in value over several months. Because it now sells for less than you paid, you are averse to selling even though the stock will likely decline further. Put another way, investing the funds realized by selling the underperforming stock in a CD with a guaranteed rate of return is an unattractive alternative to continuing to hold the declining stock. Two mundane examples include sitting through a boring or offensive film simply because you paid for the ticket or eating an unappetizing meal because you paid for it.

Hindsight bias is the tendency to see events, even random ones, as more predictable than they are. Some examples of hindsight bias include insisting that you knew who was going to win a football game once the event was over (Monday morning quarterbacking), believing that you knew all along that one political candidate was going to win an election, or saying that you knew you weren't going to win after losing a coin flip with a friend.

Self-serving bias is the tendency to attribute positive outcomes to our abilities and efforts while attributing adverse consequences to external factors or bad luck. Self-serving bias can cause us to overestimate our skills and achievements (the Dunning-Kruger effect) and underestimate our flaws and mistakes. For example, it can lead us to take credit for a successful project at work but blame our co-workers for one that fails.

The bandwagon effect is the tendency to conform to the opinions and behaviors of others, especially when perceiving them as popular or the majority views. The bandwagon effect can make us adopt beliefs or actions that we might not otherwise agree with or do because we want to fit in or avoid social rejection. For example, the bandwagon effect can lead us to vote for candidates because most of our friends or family support them.

 

How to Overcome Cognitive Biases and Make Better Decisions

Although cognitive biases are hard to eliminate because of their being ingrained in our mental system, there are steps we can take to reduce their influence and improve our decision-making:

Be aware of your biases: The first step is to recognize that you are not immune to cognitive biases, which can affect your thinking and behavior in various situations. You can use online resources such as https://effectiviology.com/cognitive-biases/ to learn more about cognitive biases and how they work.

Seek diverse and reliable sources of information: The second step is to broaden your perspective and expose yourself to different viewpoints and credible and trustworthy sources of information. You can use online tools such as https://mediabiasfactcheck.com/ to check the bias and accuracy of various news outlets and websites.

Challenge your assumptions and beliefs: The third step is to question your assumptions and beliefs and test them against evidence and logic. You can use online platforms such as https://www.kialo.com/ to engage in constructive debates with others on various topics and issues.

Consider alternative options and scenarios: The fourth step is to avoid jumping to conclusions based on limited or biased information. Instead, consider other options and scenarios that could explain or influence the situation. You can use online techniques such as https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Six_Thinking_Hats to adopt different perspectives and modes of thinking.

Seek feedback and advice from others: The fifth step is to seek input and advice from others who are knowledgeable, experienced, or impartial about the decision you are facing.

Conclusion

Cognitive bias is a natural phenomenon that affects how we think and make decisions. However, cognitive bias can also lead us to make irrational decisions that are not in our best interest. By being aware of our biases, seeking diverse and reliable sources of information, challenging our assumptions and beliefs, considering alternative options and scenarios, and seeking feedback and advice from others, we can overcome cognitive biases and make better decisions.