Rewriting Your Life Story: The Art of Cognitive Reframing

 We cannot solve problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.

Albert Einstein            

I’ve had many worries in my life, most of which never happened.

Mark Twain                

We do not see things as they are; we see them as we are.

Anais Nin                    

 

Who among us reading this has never found themselves in a situation where the cards in the game of life are stacked against them? As stress and frustration mount, it seems logical to believe that what lies ahead will be the same. However, this belief stems from what social psychologists call the availability heuristic, which occurs when our most recent and readily available events and experiences come to mind vividly. It is like someone (1) trapped in the passenger seat of a car, (2) careening down a steep, winding mountain road, (3) without brakes, and (4) realizing that the only possible outcome is the inevitable, fatal crash at the bottom.

 

But wait, I am only in the passenger seat, not to mention in a car without brakes on a particularly dangerous mountain road devoid of options because I scripted the scene. What if I rewrote the scene so that I am in the driver’s seat, even if there are no brakes? Might I then have options? Could I drive the car into a ditch, against the guardrail, or veer off the road into a snowbank…did I tell myself it was snowing? Better a broken arm or expensive auto repairs than what awaits in the originally scripted ending. Better yet, what if my rewrite has me notice a runaway truck off-ramp with barrels of antifreeze at the end to absorb the impact?

 

The point is that much of what I often catastrophize about stems from my thoughts- the “script I wrote”- which generates the negative self-talk that contributes to my emotional distress. I forgot that thoughts are not facts.

 

This essay discusses the art of cognitive restructuring, or in everyday language, “reframing” or “rewriting” the script that influences our emotional state. In no particular order, the following suggestions include identifying, evaluating, and utilizing this approach to challenge negative self-talk.

             Recognize the power of cognitive reappraisal.

• Recognizing that changing your thoughts can greatly influence your mood is a crucial step in identifying negative self-talk. We tend to "feel the way we think." In other words, if I feel upset, depressed, stressed, or otherwise out of sorts, it serves as a strong indication that negative self-talk is at play.
• Once recognized, confronting negative self-talk becomes possible. A simple question like, “Where's the proof?” when faced with thoughts such as, “I can’t stand this” or “I’ll never be able to do this,” can transform the underlying beliefs that lead to negative emotions.

Identify the stressor

• Recognizing negative self-talk is crucial, but it is situation-specific. Something—an event or another stimulus—triggers the toxic thought, and identifying that trigger allows one to act on it rather than simply reacting in the future.
• Acknowledge your emotional response to the stressor after identifying the specific event or situation causing stress. As many social media gurus paraphrase, “To be found, you must first admit that you are lost.”

Challenge your initial interpretation.

• As noted above, “thoughts are not facts,” and examining the validity of negative thoughts presents a chance to rewrite your life’s screenplay. Reflect on whether your current situation perspective is the only possible interpretation. This process starts with the simple question, “Where’s the proof?”
• Rephrase the negative self-talk in three or more ways, then identify a more likely explanation for the misinterpreted event. This “reframe” is likely to be more plausible and less distressing.

Look for potential benefits.

• Reframe stress as a potential enhancement, viewing pressure as fuel for performance. Richard Bach wrote in his book* Illusions*, “There’s no such thing as a problem without its gift inside. The reason we have problems is that we need their gifts.”
• Reflect on how overcoming this challenge can encourage personal growth and learning.

Adopt a balanced perspective.

• To follow up on the previous suggestion, economists recommend conducting a cost-benefit analysis when facing a challenging situation. This approach is sometimes called the “Theory A vs. Theory B” method. Evaluate your self-talk's “costs” and “benefits,” then determine its usefulness.
• This approach allows you to examine the veracity of your negative self-talk as fact (Theory A) by questioning its accuracy by asking, ‘Where’s the proof?’ - Theory B.
• Compare the evidence for both theories to gain a more balanced perspective.

Practice perspective-shifting

• Consider viewing the situation from another person's perspective. This reflects a professional interpretation of the adage about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes. One effective way to achieve this when faced with upsetting behavior from others is to challenge yourself to identify three or more alternative explanations for why the individual acted or spoke as they did. Doing so can help reduce the stress response and provide new insights.

Focus on controllable aspects.

• Identify the elements of the situation that you can influence or change. This recommendation is simple but not necessarily easy to follow. In Alcoholics Anonymous, each meeting begins with the Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Once you grasp this, direct your energy towards these actionable areas.

Develop a new narrative.

• After reflecting on these steps, you are ready to create a more empowering narrative about the stressful event—“to talk sense to yourself.”
• Focus on your ability to adapt and learn from the experience.

Practice self-compassion

• Indeed, this is merely “psycho-babble” unless you approach your journey through the reframing process with kindness and understanding for yourself.
• Acknowledge that stress is a common human experience.
• Remember, not all stress is bad; only that generated by negative self-talk, known as distress, is. Just as muscles that remain unstressed atrophy, so do one’s self-esteem, self-worth, and self-respect.

These suggestions can help you better understand your distress and frustration, potentially leading to a more positive emotional state and an enhanced ability to cope with challenging situations.

 

Riding the Wave: How Urge Surfing Encourages Personal Change

Image courtesy UC Irvine

 

Who hasn't felt an urge to do something? An urge is a strong, pressing desire or compulsion to act, often presenting as an intense physical or emotional impulse that can be hard to resist. It resembles a sudden, powerful need to act, like a push or pull toward a specific behavior. While most of us can relate, urges pose a significant threat to efforts aimed at changing personal behavior, particularly when that behavior involves a “bad habit” or even an addiction.

 

So, what’s someone to do when wanting to change a personal behavior but knowing that urges to lapse will likely occur? Numerous articles and books based on various theories explore the answer to this question. To do them justice would require adding another article, if not a book, to this collection. There are techniques, however, “tricks of the trade,” if you will, that may help manage these urges when they arise.

 

One effective technique developed by psychologist Dr. Alan Marlatt is Urge Surfing. This method encourages individuals to observe and experience their urges as if they were waves in the ocean. It is a powerful mindfulness practice for managing cravings, impulses, and negative emotions without succumbing to them.

 

The core principle of urge surfing is based on the understanding that most urges and cravings typically last less than 30 minutes if left unaddressed. Unfortunately, when faced with the urge to abandon our efforts, many of us who genuinely want to change our behavior try to suppress it or even fight against it. Regrettably, as Carl Jung noted almost a century ago, what you resist persists. Instead of suppressing or opposing these impulses, which can often amplify them, urge surfing encourages individuals to experience these sensations with curiosity and without judgment.

 

Urge surfing requires full engagement in the present moment. A commonly suggested method for achieving this is deep breathing and focusing on one’s immediate surroundings, like breathing itself. When an urge arises, the individual observes it without acting immediately, concentrating on the physical sensations, thoughts, and emotions connected with it. Similar to feeling a cramp or a "stitch” while exercising, pausing, taking several deep breaths, and remembering that, as members of AA say, this too shall pass can provide a sense of detachment and a degree of control by visualizing the urge as a wave that rises, crests, and eventually recedes.

 

This technique may help address the negative emotional states and physical or emotional triggers that generate these urges. Placing space between these precursors of urges and the behavior they historically evoke breaks this cycle. 

 

Urge surfing has demonstrated potential in dealing with issues like addiction recovery, managing impulsive behaviors, and coping with intense emotions. It decreases emotional reactivity by encouraging a calm, detached approach to urges, reducing their emotional impact and making them easier to handle over time. Essentially, it permits one to “act on” urges rather than “react to them” by lapsing into old behavior.

 

By regularly practicing urge surfing, individuals become more self-aware and emotionally stable and can make proactive choices as they reassert control over their change plan. This technique enables those seeking to make personal changes to manage discomfort without surrendering, encouraging positive behavioral changes and improving mental well-being.

The Art of Constructive Criticism: Building Bridges, Not Walls © 2025

 Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

Winston Churchill.

 

There is no failure, only feedback.

Robert Allen

 

As a college professor, writing assignments represented a significant part of a student’s grade in my courses each term. Therefore, I created a grading rubric for each assignment in which writing accounted for 15% of the overall grade; this was often enough to distinguish between higher and lower grades.

 

At the end of each term, students completed anonymous course evaluations, which included space for subjective comments on the course and my role as its instructor. Although generally relevant to the course subject matter, I occasionally received remarks about my grading. I recall one such student’s feedback that made me smile as I read it. It stated that Dr. Chapman seemed to have forgotten that this was a counseling course, not one on writing.

 

Since my students frequently struggled with writing mechanics, and many planned to attend graduate school after graduation, I took great care to provide feedback on how they could enhance the effectiveness of their arguments simply by attending to their writing, focusing on spelling, punctuation, syntax, and clarity in the expression of their ideas.

 

So, why is constructive criticism so difficult to accept? Why do we hesitate to seek feedback on our performance or react to it with embarrassment, if not resentment, when received? The answer is evident if the criticism is spiteful or malicious, but what about sincere, heartfelt, constructive criticism? 

 

Psychologists and therapists offer a myriad of answers to these questions. However, they all generally fall into one of four categories: (1) threats to self-esteem and identity such as ego-defense, fear of rejection, or personal experiences; (2) emotional reactions and triggers, including shame, anxiety, or “negative self-talk”; (3) misinterpretations and communication barriers, like perceived intent, lack of trust, or communication style; and (4) underlying beliefs and mental health issues, including personality disorders, perfectionism, or low self-esteem. 

 

To prepare students to receive feedback in my counseling classes, I would ask students to take several deep, calming breaths and think about someone in their life, whether present or past, alive or deceased, whom they greatly admired and held in high regard. This person could be a parent, a coach, a mentor, an instructor, or a friend. I would give them a moment to focus on that person and then pose three questions: (1) Did this person always tell you what you wanted to hear? I would see numerous heads shaking in response, “No.” (2) Did this person ever say or do something that upset or annoyed you? This time, the heads would nod in agreement. (3) Did this person ever say or do anything that made you so upset or angry that you didn't speak to them for an hour, a day, a week, or even longer? Again, heads would nod in agreement. I would then ask, “So why is it that this person, who didn’t always tell you what you wanted to hear, sometimes upset or angered you, perhaps even to the point of not speaking for an extended period, was the one who “popped” into your mind when I asked you to think of someone you hold in high regard and respect?”

 

The most plausible explanation for their experience is that this individual offered feedback, guidance, or advice in a way that ultimately helped them realize that a sincere concern for their well-being and a commitment to their growth and development motivated this feedback. 

 

In the first of two quotes introducing this essay, Churchill suggests that, like pain, criticism—or "feedback"—is crucial for preventing harm and realizing our full potential. In the second, Allen observes that there is no such thing as failure; instead, all our experiences, whether positive or negative, provide learning opportunities that guide us in what to repeat or how to approach things differently in the future.

 

In his book The Culture Code, Daniel Coyle discusses research showing that using 19 words as a preface when delivering feedback can significantly increase the chances of its acceptance and, most importantly, use. These 19 words are I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and am confident that you can reach them.

 

This straightforward introduction to providing feedback allows the recipient to recognize that what they are about to hear comes from someone committed to the pursuit of improvement and growth, someone who believes in their ability to achieve these goals.

 

While we can control our wording when giving feedback, we cannot control how the other person interprets it. Nevertheless, this 19-word preface offers any feedback we'd like to provide to enhance the chances of it being received and acted upon instead of dismissed or resented.