Where's the Beef?! Challenging Negative Self-Talk

Anyone older than 50 likely recalls the 1984 Wendy’s Hamburger commercial affectionately known as the “where’s the beef” commercial. If you do not recall this ad…or simply want to smile again at this cleaver piece of advertising…visit CLICK https://tinyurl.com/5n7xefn5.

As humorous as the ad may be, it has a parallel that is used by cognitive therapists and counselors to treat self-defeating and negative self-talk, what is often referred to as stinkin’ thinkin’. This counseling strategy begins with a simple question remarkably like that asked by actress Clara Pellar when she exhorts in the Wendy’s commercial, Where’s the Beef! – its clinical parallel being, Where’s the proof?  

 

Too often we fixate on some negative thought, often related to a mistake made or something “stupid” or “hurtful” someone said or did, perhaps some event reported in the news done by “those people.” The more time spent in stinkin’ thinkin’ the angrier or more depressed, or sad, or ___ fill in the blank with whatever negative emotion may result in your situation.

 

In cognitive therapy, individuals learn that it is not events or “things” that cause us to become sad, mad, angry, afraid, or become enraged, depressed, anxious, or terrified. It is what we tell ourselves about the event or “thing” that happened that generates these emotional states and our all too often behavioral reactions that we later regret.

 

Therapists help those with whom they are working to understand that thoughts are not facts! Because I “think” something, that does not make it so. There is a simple little formula that spells this out and may make it a bit easier to grasp when you see it: A + B = C where “A” stands for the activating event or “thing” that happened, “B” stands for the belief I have related to that thing or what I tell myself about it, and “C” stands for the emotional consequence that results from having told myself whatever “B” is…over, and over, and over again!

 

One way to interrupt this negative self-talk is to simply challenge the “B” or what I am telling myself when I feel that twinge of anger/sadness/anxiety or whatever the upsetting emotion is I experience following an event - Albert Ellis, the godfather of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, refers to this a disputing the "B". Treatment could then be referred to as A + B/D = C+ where "B/D" represents disputing the "B" and C+ is an improved emotional consequence. How, you ask? With simple questions not unlike Clara Pellar’s “where’s the beef”; Where's the proof?

 

Let’s use an example by way of demonstration. John arrives at work one morning. He enters the parking lot at the same time as a co-worker he knows. They have worked together for several years and socialize outside of work on occasion and he helped jumpstart her car earlier in the week when it wouldn’t start. As they approach the building’s entrance, John says good morning and asks about her plans for the weekend. He receives a non-committal, “mornin’” as they enter the building and she doesn’t make eye contact. “What’s up with her?” thinks John.  As he enters the building, this is the internal dialogue going on inside John’s mind:

 

“What’s she so upset about…what did I do?!”

“She has some nerve…I was just trying to be nice; I didn’t do anything!”

“She must think I’m hitting on her…asking about the weekend?”

“Where does she get off thinking that?! I know she has a boyfriend! What does she think I am, anyway?”

“Wait ‘til the next time she asks me for help when her car won’t start…bitch!”

 

Notice how John’s first thought is “what did I do.” For all we know, his co-worker could have just received some bad news or got a ticket on the way to work, or simply is “coming down with something.” His first thought “lights the fuse” for his subsequent thoughts…his “Bs” if you will…that take him farther down the wrong road resulting in his becoming angry and resentful…in a matter of minutes!

 

Here is where the “where’s the proof question” becomes important. Although his very first thought…“what’s she so upset about”…may have been reasonable, his jumping to the conclusion that it was something he did or said was not. At that “what did I do” question, had John paused and said to himself, “STOP! Where’s the proof that you said or did anything, John,” his entire internal dialogue may have gone in an entirely different and more empathetic direction.

 

True, perhaps John could rationalize the second part of his initial thought, especially if he tends to be

quick with a mildly inappropriate comment, but this is where a second activity used by cognitive therapists comes in handy in helping individuals prevent or at least derail their escalating irrational thoughts and the negative emotional consequences that follow. Referred to as the Downward Arrow Technique, this exercise can help by drilling down to the base or Core Belief, often generated in childhood, that give rise to the automatic negative thoughts that seem to “pop” into one’s mind when experiencing a negative or unpleasant event.

 

This technique is quite simple but nonetheless effective in uncovering these “core beliefs” and once identified, they too can yield to the “where’s the proof” question mentioned above. I will use John’s internal dialogue outlined above to illustrate the technique:

 

“What’s she so upset about…what did I do?!”

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Why does that bother you?

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“Because she must think I said or did something to ignore me like that.”

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Where’s the proof that you said or did anything…and even if you did, why does that bother you?

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“Well, she’s a co-worker and I’d like to count her as a friend.”

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Again, where’s the proof that you can’t be?

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“I must have done something or she wouldn’t be like that.”

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And if you did, what would that mean?

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“That she doesn’t like me and we can’t be friends.”

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Why does that bother you?

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"Because I have always had a tough time making friends.”

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What does that suggest?

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“That there is something wrong with me and people don’t like me.”

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What are you worried that might mean?

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“That my father was right when he said I won’t amount to anything.”

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And where is the proof that he was right?

 

At this point, a cognitive counselor might ask John how the accomplishments in his life jive with his father’s prediction. A bit further in their conversation…or after John has cataloged his personal accomplishments…an appropriate question may again be, “…and getting back to your co-worker, where’s the proof that you said or did anything wrong or upsetting? Might there be another reason for your co-worker's distraction this morning?

 

Again, the downward arrow technique gets at CORE BELIEFS and this may not be necessary for use each time one becomes aware of emotional upset. Often the simple, "Where’s the Beef” question is sufficient to derail a runaway and irrational train of thought, but identifying core beliefs is an effective way to prevent future automatic thoughts and derailing negative self-talk.

 

Often absolute thinking fuels the automatic thoughts that result in this negative self-talk, thoughts like, “They shouldn’t have/should have done this or that” or things like, “This always happens to me” or “This is terrible/awful; I can’t bear it.” In closing, a couple of “Where’s the Beef” type questions to ask whenever catching yourself thinking in absolute terms:

 

·      “They shouldn’t have/should have done whatever” – Says who? And so what if they did/didn’t, they have a right to be a jerk, right?

·      “This always happens to me!” – Nothing ALWAYS happens! It may happen a lot recently, but nothing always happens.

·      “This is terrible/awful; I can’t bear it.” – It may be difficult to deal with and totally unexpected, but where’s the proof you can’t bear it? This too shall pass.

 

There is any number of useful resources, essays, and exercises available online related to dealing with irrational thinking and its role in fostering anxiety, depression, anger issues, etcetera. For more on the downward arrow and other related exercises, CLICK https://tinyurl.com/yxvs77hz; for core beliefs CLICK https://tinyurl.com/bdmduja8.

 

What do you think?

Dr. Robert