Finding the Beef: Additional Thoughts on Disputing Negative Self-Talk

Rare is it to find individuals today unfamiliar with A. A. Milne’s classic story of Winnie the Pooh. Either having read the book—or had the book read to them—or seen the animated Disney version, practically everyone knows the story of Pooh, Christopher Robin, and all the characters of the 100 Acre Wood. A character of individual interest from this tale, at least as far as this post is concerned, is Eeyore.

 

As you will recall, Eeyore presents throughout the story as the perpetually gloomy, ever-pessimistic, and apparently habitually disheartened donkey who lives in a section of the 100 Acre Wood denoted on its map as, Eeyore’s Gloomy Place. The confluence of Eeyore’s character and the point of this essay resides in what I referred to in my previous essay as “self-talk” or the negative beliefs one can hold that serve as the filter through which the processing of life experiences occurs. If this filter waxes pessimistic, which would appear is the case for Eeyore, then the resulting emotional consequences experienced are negative. And enough time spent in such emotional states will likely result in what clinicians refer to as dysthymia if not depression.

 

Martin Seligman, author of Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life, refers to what

he calls personal “explanatory styles,” which can predict one’s degree of optimism or pessimism. One’s explanatory style is composed of three dimensions: (1) Personalization - the internal or personal and the external, (2) Permanence - the stable or permanent and the unstable or temporary, and (3) Pervasiveness - the global or pervasive and local or specific. Let’s consider a scenario by way of demonstrating.

 

Michael fails to complete the analysis of data needed by his boss to report on a project’s progress to investors.

 

 I really screwed up this time; I’m such a failure (internal or personal explanation). I knew this might happen; it always does (stable or permanent explanation). I can’t seem to do anything (global or pervasive explanation). The longer Michael ruminates about his “failure,” the more likely he is to become depressed. He has what Seligman calls a “pessimistic explanatory style.”

 

Let’s look at the same situation, but as someone with an “optimistic explanatory style” might:

 

Oh boy…I’m not going to make the deadline. I was afraid this might happen because of that server glitch (external explanation). Now that the server is back, I can finish the final section and give him what’s finished (unstable/temporary explanation). Stuff happens…he knows about the server problem and that this was not my doing (local/specific explanation).

 

If explanatory style or what I tell myself about an event or experience can result in emotional upset, then it stands to reason that changing one’s pessimistic explanatory style can improve it. And if explanatory style is a function of one’s belief system or one’s “self-talk,” then this means it is something open to personal manipulation. In other words, if what I tell myself is self-defeating and negative, then telling myself something different—disputing the pessimistic self-talk—can affect its emotional result. In short, if I choose to “act on” instead of “react to” life events and personal experiences, I can rewrite the story of my life.

 

That said, it would be nice if all I had to do was acknowledge that my pessimistic explanatory style needed an overhaul and, voila, it changed. Unfortunately, change, especially change in one’s way of thinking…worldview if you will…does not happen simply because of a flash of insight. It takes time and hard work but Seligman notes that several months of cognitive therapy that attends to explanatory style not only yields results but essentially inoculates one against pessimism and lessens if not prevents it in the future. In his book, he outlines a self-directed regimen to affect explanatory style.

 

You know what you’ve learned and learn what you’re taught…but it is important to realize that that is not all there is to be known. Change is an inside job and as such, something over which we each have ultimate control. If unhappy with the story of your life, rewrite it! If, as Jonathan Winters once said, you are tired of waiting for your ship to come in, then swim out to meet it.

 

Returning to the 100 Acre Wood, even our dysthymic Eeyore can display hints of optimism…the nicest thing about the rain is that it always stops. Eventually. Fortunately, we have a say as to when.

 

What do you think?

 

Where's the Beef?! Challenging Negative Self-Talk

Anyone older than 50 likely recalls the 1984 Wendy’s Hamburger commercial affectionately known as the “where’s the beef” commercial. If you do not recall this ad…or simply want to smile again at this cleaver piece of advertising…visit CLICK https://tinyurl.com/5n7xefn5.

As humorous as the ad may be, it has a parallel that is used by cognitive therapists and counselors to treat self-defeating and negative self-talk, what is often referred to as stinkin’ thinkin’. This counseling strategy begins with a simple question remarkably like that asked by actress Clara Pellar when she exhorts in the Wendy’s commercial, Where’s the Beef! – its clinical parallel being, Where’s the proof?  

 

Too often we fixate on some negative thought, often related to a mistake made or something “stupid” or “hurtful” someone said or did, perhaps some event reported in the news done by “those people.” The more time spent in stinkin’ thinkin’ the angrier or more depressed, or sad, or ___ fill in the blank with whatever negative emotion may result in your situation.

 

In cognitive therapy, individuals learn that it is not events or “things” that cause us to become sad, mad, angry, afraid, or become enraged, depressed, anxious, or terrified. It is what we tell ourselves about the event or “thing” that happened that generates these emotional states and our all too often behavioral reactions that we later regret.

 

Therapists help those with whom they are working to understand that thoughts are not facts! Because I “think” something, that does not make it so. There is a simple little formula that spells this out and may make it a bit easier to grasp when you see it: A + B = C where “A” stands for the activating event or “thing” that happened, “B” stands for the belief I have related to that thing or what I tell myself about it, and “C” stands for the emotional consequence that results from having told myself whatever “B” is…over, and over, and over again!

 

One way to interrupt this negative self-talk is to simply challenge the “B” or what I am telling myself when I feel that twinge of anger/sadness/anxiety or whatever the upsetting emotion is I experience following an event - Albert Ellis, the godfather of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, refers to this a disputing the "B". Treatment could then be referred to as A + B/D = C+ where "B/D" represents disputing the "B" and C+ is an improved emotional consequence. How, you ask? With simple questions not unlike Clara Pellar’s “where’s the beef”; Where's the proof?

 

Let’s use an example by way of demonstration. John arrives at work one morning. He enters the parking lot at the same time as a co-worker he knows. They have worked together for several years and socialize outside of work on occasion and he helped jumpstart her car earlier in the week when it wouldn’t start. As they approach the building’s entrance, John says good morning and asks about her plans for the weekend. He receives a non-committal, “mornin’” as they enter the building and she doesn’t make eye contact. “What’s up with her?” thinks John.  As he enters the building, this is the internal dialogue going on inside John’s mind:

 

“What’s she so upset about…what did I do?!”

“She has some nerve…I was just trying to be nice; I didn’t do anything!”

“She must think I’m hitting on her…asking about the weekend?”

“Where does she get off thinking that?! I know she has a boyfriend! What does she think I am, anyway?”

“Wait ‘til the next time she asks me for help when her car won’t start…bitch!”

 

Notice how John’s first thought is “what did I do.” For all we know, his co-worker could have just received some bad news or got a ticket on the way to work, or simply is “coming down with something.” His first thought “lights the fuse” for his subsequent thoughts…his “Bs” if you will…that take him farther down the wrong road resulting in his becoming angry and resentful…in a matter of minutes!

 

Here is where the “where’s the proof question” becomes important. Although his very first thought…“what’s she so upset about”…may have been reasonable, his jumping to the conclusion that it was something he did or said was not. At that “what did I do” question, had John paused and said to himself, “STOP! Where’s the proof that you said or did anything, John,” his entire internal dialogue may have gone in an entirely different and more empathetic direction.

 

True, perhaps John could rationalize the second part of his initial thought, especially if he tends to be

quick with a mildly inappropriate comment, but this is where a second activity used by cognitive therapists comes in handy in helping individuals prevent or at least derail their escalating irrational thoughts and the negative emotional consequences that follow. Referred to as the Downward Arrow Technique, this exercise can help by drilling down to the base or Core Belief, often generated in childhood, that give rise to the automatic negative thoughts that seem to “pop” into one’s mind when experiencing a negative or unpleasant event.

 

This technique is quite simple but nonetheless effective in uncovering these “core beliefs” and once identified, they too can yield to the “where’s the proof” question mentioned above. I will use John’s internal dialogue outlined above to illustrate the technique:

 

“What’s she so upset about…what did I do?!”

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Why does that bother you?

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“Because she must think I said or did something to ignore me like that.”

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Where’s the proof that you said or did anything…and even if you did, why does that bother you?

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“Well, she’s a co-worker and I’d like to count her as a friend.”

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Again, where’s the proof that you can’t be?

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“I must have done something or she wouldn’t be like that.”

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And if you did, what would that mean?

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“That she doesn’t like me and we can’t be friends.”

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Why does that bother you?

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"Because I have always had a tough time making friends.”

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What does that suggest?

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“That there is something wrong with me and people don’t like me.”

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What are you worried that might mean?

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“That my father was right when he said I won’t amount to anything.”

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And where is the proof that he was right?

 

At this point, a cognitive counselor might ask John how the accomplishments in his life jive with his father’s prediction. A bit further in their conversation…or after John has cataloged his personal accomplishments…an appropriate question may again be, “…and getting back to your co-worker, where’s the proof that you said or did anything wrong or upsetting? Might there be another reason for your co-worker's distraction this morning?

 

Again, the downward arrow technique gets at CORE BELIEFS and this may not be necessary for use each time one becomes aware of emotional upset. Often the simple, "Where’s the Beef” question is sufficient to derail a runaway and irrational train of thought, but identifying core beliefs is an effective way to prevent future automatic thoughts and derailing negative self-talk.

 

Often absolute thinking fuels the automatic thoughts that result in this negative self-talk, thoughts like, “They shouldn’t have/should have done this or that” or things like, “This always happens to me” or “This is terrible/awful; I can’t bear it.” In closing, a couple of “Where’s the Beef” type questions to ask whenever catching yourself thinking in absolute terms:

 

·      “They shouldn’t have/should have done whatever” – Says who? And so what if they did/didn’t, they have a right to be a jerk, right?

·      “This always happens to me!” – Nothing ALWAYS happens! It may happen a lot recently, but nothing always happens.

·      “This is terrible/awful; I can’t bear it.” – It may be difficult to deal with and totally unexpected, but where’s the proof you can’t bear it? This too shall pass.

 

There is any number of useful resources, essays, and exercises available online related to dealing with irrational thinking and its role in fostering anxiety, depression, anger issues, etcetera. For more on the downward arrow and other related exercises, CLICK https://tinyurl.com/yxvs77hz; for core beliefs CLICK https://tinyurl.com/bdmduja8.

 

What do you think?

Dr. Robert